“Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise.”
(Al-Qur'an, 2:221 (Al-Baqara [The Cow])
Foundation for Islamic Publications
P O Box 13278, Laudium, 0037 e-mail : aadam@icon.co. za Editor : Dr Ahmed Adam
MARRIAGE
Marriage is for keeps. Yet, one often hears of a couple who have decided to divorce or separate from each other for some or other reason. Some people divorce within a few month’s of marriage, while others divorce after a few years. Yet, there are other marriages that last forever. Why do some marriages succeed and why do some marriages fail? Why are some marriages filled with happiness and contentment while other marriages seem to be like a ticking time bomb? Are there any secrets to successful marriages or is getting married like one big lucky packet – some people are lucky , while some people are not so lucky. In the USA, 67% of first marriages end up in divorce , thus creating a money-making opportunity for divorce lawyers , who are just too happy to divorce couples.
Furthermore , because of the upsurge in divorce, many couples prefer to remain single or instead prefer to ‘live together’ to experiment if they are suitable for one another , before ‘taking the plunge.” What is the right thing to do ? Fortunately , for Muslims, clear guidance comes from the Quran and the Sunnah .The principles contained in the Quran and the Sunnah are universal principles that are applicable to the whole of humanity . If married couples apply these principles to their marriage , then Insha-Allah , there would be less broken homes throughout the world. This brief article, looks at the institution of marriage , and how we , both those who are already married , and especially those contemplating marriage , should conduct ourselves so that we can lead a life of reasonable contentment and happiness with our partner , and also , so that we do not fall victim to the scourge of divorce.
THE PROPOSAL
In Islam , there is no such thing as “living together’. Getting married is one of the Sunnahs of our beloved Prophet Mohamed (SAW) . This is particularly important for the late teens and early twenties , when youngsters hormones are at their peak. If a person cannot find a suitable mate immediately , he/she should not be hasty and give up all attempts . Furthermore , nor should he /she commit acts that are forbidden .
Surah Nur : S24 V33 : Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah gives them means out of His Grace.
Marriage is the only contract which allows for cohabitation of a man and a woman as stated in the following Hadith :
Sahih Al Bukhari Hadith 3.882 Narrated by Uqba bin Amir (RA)
Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said , “ From among all the conditions which you have to fulfill, the conditions which make it legal for you to have sexual relations (ie the marriage contract) have the greatest right to be fulfilled.”
Islam gives clear guidance : marriage is the only institution that allows for cohabitation of couples. Everything else is either fornication or adultery, both of which are not allowed in Islam.
WHO TO MARRY ?
For the unmarried boy or girl who is contemplating getting married , this is a time of uncertainty and confusion. Who is the right person ? How do I find the right person ? What if I make a mistake ? Buying a car is much easier – if you don’t like it you change it . But a partner in marriage is a lifetime commitment . Friends and family give conflicting information. Every boy looks for his “Miss right” and every girl looks for her “Mr. Right.” In selecting our life partner, some people use the media , TV and Cinema to dictate the choices they make as to how our ideal husband or wife should look like – we look for the “Hollywood” or “Bollywood” image If we use these sources to find our ideal partner, we are often disappointed because the illusion is far removed from reality.
Usually, one of the first things that attract two people together is the external physical characteristics. However, many people confuse this initial physical attraction as “love” and fall headlong into oblivion. Young girls fight with their parents that the fellow is “absolutely cute’ and this is the man of her dreams, while the young boy insists that this is his dream girl and he will not be able to live without her. When boys and girls are ‘in heat”, the parents try and give suggestions, advice , counseling and appeals , but to no avail. The marriage goes ahead and sometimes leads to problems. Youngsters should remember that parents love you and want you to be happy. Parents are there to guide you and give you advice. Think about this advice from your mother, father or family and don’t just reject it . When you are happy , your parents are happy . When you are unhappy, your parents are unhappy. Even though they may seem ‘old-fashioned” , they have the wisdom of years . Your parents “old fashioned” advice and suggestions will only make sense one day, when you yourself are a parent. Mothers know their daughters like a book and intuitively know which boy will be a suitable match, and it is therefore important to involve the parents and guardians when selecting a partner :
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2090 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said : “ Consult women about (the marriage of ) their daughters.”
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2080 Narrated by Abu Musa (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said : “ There is no marriage without the permission of a guardian.”
However, even though the consent and advice of parents is very important , parents must not make the error of waiting too long for the “right person.” Many people reject good proposals with the hope that maybe the next proposal will be “better.” However, if a good proposal comes, take advantage of the opportunity because there is no guarantee that another opportunity will come nor is there any guarantee that the next proposal will be ‘better’ :
Al- Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said, “ When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage , accede to his request…”
A great emphasis has been laid on the “religion and character” of the boy. On the other hand , some parents force their children into marriages that the children do not want . Many boys and girls have been forced into relationships in which they were not given a choice. This also is not a recommended route to follow. The permission of the girl (and boy) must be obtained:
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 9.79 Narrated by Aisha (RA)
I asked the Prophet (SAW) , “ O Allah’s Apostle ! Should the women be asked for their consent to their marriage ? He said , “Yes.” I said , “ A virgin , if asked , feels shy and keeps quiet.” He said, “Her silence means her consent.”
Consent is applicable to both boys and girls.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.67 Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said, “ A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her ; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission.”
Marriage is a life-long commitment . You have to know who you are getting married to. Arranged marriages where the boy and girl do not even get a chance to see each other are not recommended :
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3107 Narrated by Al-Mughirah ibn Shu’bah(RA)
I asked a woman in marriage and Allah’s Messenger (SAW) asked me whether I had looked at her. When I replied that I had not , he (SAW) said,“ Then look at her, for it is better that there should be love between you.”
In essence therefore, the selection of a suitable life partner should be done in consultation with all relevant parties so that there is mutual consultation and harmony in the decision, thus increasing the chances of selecting the suitable mate, for this very important, life decision. When looking for a wife, the following 4 criteria are usually considered important by the prospective suitor,
(1) Wealth and/or (2) Family status and/or (3) Beauty and/or (4) Religion
Sahih Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said , “ a woman is married for four things ie her wealth , her family status , her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise you will be a loser).
Some boys marry only for wealth and ignore the other criteria. Some marry only for beauty and ignore the family background and piety. When you marry someone, you are not marrying an individual , you are marrying a whole family. This was one of the methods that the Prophet (SAW) effectively used , to strengthen the bonds between different tribes. A marriage builds bridges between two families. So, family background is also important. However , the most important criteria , and the very first criteria , should revolve around the piety of the woman.
The woman that you will marry will be the future mother of your children. How will she bring up your family ? What family, religious and moral values will she instill in your children ? A righteous women is the key to the successful upbringing of children according to Islamic value systems. A righteous woman is an asset to her husband and her family because she ensures that the light of religion shines brightly in the house. She encourages her husband and children to conduct their affairs according to religious values so that the house is then filled with Baraka. The first university of knowledge and moral upbringing is the lap of the mother . A righteous woman not only raises her children with kindness and love , but also looks after the property of her husband as stated in the following Hadith :
Sahih Bukhari Hadith 7.19 Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said, “ The best women are the riders of the camels and the righteous amoung the women of Quraish. They are the kindest women to their children in their childhood and the more careful women of the property of their husbands.”
These thoughts are usually far removed from the youngster when he contemplates marriage, and that is why the Prophet (SAW) reminds us of the important criteria that one should look for in a marriage partner – marriage is not a 100m sprint – marriage is a long marathon. The same advice is also applicable to girls when they are looking for a prospective husband : piety and character are the first requirements. Marriage is like bondage. Young girls should therefore think carefully about who they would like to share their life with – piety and good character give very good guidelines for the right partner. Wealth ,beauty or family background are added bonuses. Furthermore , believers should only marry believers :
Surah Baqarah S2 V221 : Do not marry unbelieving women (idolators), until they believe ; …. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe;
Furthermore , to ensure that the Religious values are held high and that there is common understanding between the husband and wife , the following commands are given :
Surah Nur S24 V3 : Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty , or an unbeliever ; nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman : to the Believers such a thing is forbidden
Surah Nur :S24 V26 : Women impure are for men impure ,and men impure for women impure ; and women of purity are for men of purity , and men of purity are for women of purity.
The piety of the woman is thus very important when selecting a life partner. The family background and status , will also give clues as to how the girl (or boy) have been brought up and raised and what type of family values have been instilled in them. If a girl is poor and not very attractive physically , but she is religiously inclined , then this is better for you and for your future children in the long run. If a girl is pious and attractive , then this is an added bonus. However , beauty is in the eye of the beholder and each person radiates their own inner beauty . To every mother , her son is a ‘handsome prince” and her daughter is a ‘beautiful princess.” The inner beauty of piety and kindness is the most important beauty that must be sought.
Finally , the interference in the bond between a betrothed couple is not allowed. In some cases , when a boy sees that 2 people are engaged , he starts interfering and causes confusion in the mind of the girl , so that she breaks her engagement . This practice is not morally acceptable :
Sahih Bukhari Hadith 7.73 Narrated by Ibn Umar (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) decreed that …a man should not ask for the hand of a girl who is already engaged to his Muslim brother , unless the first suitor gives her up , or allows him to ask for her hand.
Happiness is a state of mind. No one who is contemplating marriage , decides to get married for hardship. Every person who desires marriage , does it so that his or her life will be filled with more happiness and love. The only thing that a girl wants, is to be happy with her husband . The only thing that a boy wants, is to be happy with his wife. If happiness is the ultimate aim for everyone , how do we at least ensure that our married lives will have some level of happiness and harmony ?The best advice in this regard , is as follows :
When looking for a suitable partner , keep both eyes and ears wide open. That is , do your homework properly , so as to avoid regrets later. However , once you are married , you have to close one eye and close one ear : meaning that you will have to overlook some of the things that your married partner is doing. Before marriage , your partner appears to be the perfect choice. However ,there is no such thing as a ‘perfect partner.” You will only get to truly understand a person when you share your life with another person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week , through sickness and in health , for richer or poorer. There will definitely be certain things about you that your partner does not like and certain things about your partner that you don’t like –these will only become evident with time. Don’t get disappointed when you start noticing these differences . You can discuss with each other about the way these differences bother you and you can encourage your partner to change. However, the only way to live in peace and harmony is to turn a blind eye to some things and turn a deaf ear to other things; mutual tolerance is the key to a successful marriage.
“United We Stand Free With DIGINITY. Divided We get ENSLAVED By The Zionist NEW WORLD ORDER.”
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