Shab-e-Baraa't

Hazrat Ali RA se riwayat hai k ghaib bataane wale Aaqa SAWS ne farmaya "Jab shaban ki pandarhvin(15) shab ho to is mei qayaam(ibadat) karo aur din ka roza rakho kyun k ghuroob-e-aftaab k waqt se hi Allah ta'ala ki rehmat Aasman-e-Duniya per naazil hojaati hai aur Allah taa'la irshaad farmata hai, hai koi maghfirat ka talab karne wala k mai use bakhsh doon. Hai koi rizk maangne wala k mai us ko rizk doon. hai koi museebat zada k mai use museebat se nijaat doon yeh ailaan tuloo' fajar tak hota rehta hai
(bne Maja Page 100 Shu'balimaan bahiqi jild 3 page 378 mishkat jild 1 page 278)

Is tuesday ko 28 aug ki raat shab-e-baraat hai, aap log se ho sake to tuesday aur wednesday ka zaroor roza rakhen

mamoolat-e-aulia karaam se hai k maghrib k farz aur sunnat waghaira k baad 6 rakat nafil do do rakat kar k parhne hain. pehlie do rakat se pehle yeh niiyat karen k 'Yaa Allah in ki barkat se daraazi-e-umer bilkhair ata farma' is k baad doosri do rakat mei yeh neeyat karen k 'Yaa Allah in ki barkat se balaaoun se hifaazat farma' aur is k bad waali do rakat mei yeh neeyat karen 'Yaa Allah in ki barkat se apne siwa kisi ka mohtaj na kar' her do rakat k baad 21 bar surah ikhlas ya 1 bar surah Yaseen balke ho sake to dono hi parh len yeh bhi kar sakte hain k aik shakhs Surah Yaseen parhe aur doosre khaamoshi se sunen is mei khayal rakhen k doosra koi is dauraan zaban se Yaseen Shareef ki tilawat na kare balke kuch bhi na parhe inshallah raat k shuru mei hi nekion k anbar lag jayen ge har bar bad surah Yaseen aik bar 'Dua-e-Nisf shaban' bhi parhen

is k baad aap apni jitni ho sake kaza namazen ada karen mukhtasir tareeqa bhi forum mei mil jaye ga aap ko

This tuesday night will be shab-e-Baraat in Pakistan, India and subcontinent inshallah. You all are requested to fast on tuesday(28 aug) as well as on wednesday(29 aug) and do ibadat in the middle night of the two days. There is no preion of any specific ibadat in the ahadees but yes there is one hadith advising us, which is as under:

It is narrated by Hazrat Ali RA that Our Holy Prophet SAWS said that do qayaam(ibadat) in the night and hold fast the next day because as soon as the sun sets the Blessing of Allah starts on this world's sky starts and Allah Taa'la says: is there any one who seeks Maghfirat so that i will give him maghfirat, any one asking rizk so that i will give him rizk is there anyone asking for relieve for problems so i will give him relief from problems and this continues till Fajr.

From above we know that it is advised to do ibadat this is for those who always ask me where is it in Quran and Hadeeth. I didnt need to tell this because if someone says thats allowed he dont need to give reference the one who says its forbidden he needs to give reference from Hadeeth. Anyways, From Aulia Allah's deeds we find this specific ibadat it is done in the following manner

Have to perform 6 rakats with three salaams first two rakat's intention will be for long life (daraaziye umer bilkhair) the intention for second couple of rakats will be protection from problems( balaaoun se hifazat) and third couple of rakats for keeping us only asking every thing from Allah(Allah apne siwa kisi ka mohtaaj na bana). Har do rakaat k baad read 21 times Surah ikhlas or read Surah Yaseen Once if possible and preferable read both if there r many people then one may reads loudly and others listen just make sure no one reads along with that person or do other talking and after that read Dua-e-Nisf Shabaan

For Women who have their period this shab-e-baraat they can do ibadat as well but reading Quran with the intention of Quran is prohibited they can do other ibadat which include Reading Durood Shareef, Istaghfaar, Zikr-e-Ilaahi, listening to Quran Tilawat, listening naat shariif etc.

top ten MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ISLAM

MISCONCEPTION #1:
Muslims are violent, terrorists and/or extremists.


This is the biggest misconception in Islam, no doubt resulting from
the constant stereotyping and bashing the media gives Islam. When a
gunman attacks a mosque in the name of Judaism, a Catholic IRA
guerrilla sets off a bomb in an urban area, or Serbian Orthodox
militiamen rape and kill innocent Muslim civilians, these acts are not
used to stereotype an entire faith. Never are these acts attributed
to the religion of the perpetrators. Yet how many times have we heard
the words 'Islamic, Muslim fundamentalist. etc.' linked with violence.

Politics in so called "Muslim countries" may or may not have any
Islamic basis. Often dictators and politicians will use the name of
Islam for their own purposes. One should remember to go to the source
of Islam and separate what the true religion of Islam says from what
is portrayed in the media. Islam literally means 'submission to God'
and is derived from a root word meaning 'peace'.

Islam may seem exotic or even extreme in the modern world. Perhaps
this is because religion doesn't dominate everyday life in the West,
whereas Islam is considered a 'way of life' for Muslims and they make
no division between secular and sacred in their lives. Like
Christianity, Islam permits fighting in self-defense, in defense of
religion, or on the part of those who have been expelled forcibly
from their homes. It lays down strict rules of combat which include
prohibitions against harming civilians and against destroying crops,
trees and livestock.

NOWHERE DOES ISLAM ENJOIN THE KILLING OF INNOCENTS.. The Quran says:
"Fight in the cause of God against those who fight you, but do not
transgress limits. God does not love transgressors." (Quran 2:190)
"If they seek peace, then seek you peace. And trust in God for He is
the One that heareth and knoweth all things." (Quran 8:61) War,
therefore, is the last resort, and is subject to the rigorous
conditions laid down by the sacred law. The term 'jihad' literally
means 'struggle'. Muslims believe that there are two kinds of jihad.
The other 'jihad' is the inner struggle of the soul which everyone
wages against egotistic desires for the sake of attaining inner
peace.



MISCONCEPTION #2:
Islam oppresses women.

The image of the typical Muslim woman wearing the veil and forced to
stay home and forbidden to drive is all too common in most peoples
thoughts. Although some Muslim countries may have laws that oppress
women, this should not be seen as coming from Islam. Many of these
countries do not rule by any kind of Shari'ah (Islamic law) and
introduce their own cultural standpoints on the issue of gender
equity.

Islam on the other hand gives men and women different roles and equity
between the two is laid down in the Quran and the example of the
Prophet (peace be upon him). Islam sees a woman, whether single or
married, as an individual in her own right, with the right to own and
dispose of her property and earnings. A marriage gift is given by
the groom to the bride for her own personal use, and she keeps her
own family name rather than taking her husband's. Both men and women
are expected to dress in a way that is modest and dignified. The
Messenger of God (peace be upon him) said: "The most perfect in faith
amongst believers is he who is best in manner and kindest to his
wife."

Violence of any kind towards women and forcing them against their
will for anything is not allowed. A Muslim marriage is a simple, legal
agreement in which either partner is free to include conditions.
Marriage customs thus vary widely from country to country. Divorce is
not common, although it is acceptable as a last resort. According to
Islam, a Muslim girl cannot be forced to marry against her will: her
parents simply suggest young men they think may be suitable.



MISCONCEPTION #3:
Muslims worship a different God.

Allah is simply the Arabic word for God. Allah for Muslims is the
greatest and most inclusive of the Names of God, it is an Arabic word
of rich meaning, denoting the one and only God and ascribing no
partners to Him. It is exactly the same word which the Jews, in
Hebrew, use for God (eloh), the word which Jesus Christ used in
Aramaic when he prayed to God. God has an identical name in Judaism,
Christianity, and Islam; Allah is the same God worshiped by Muslims,
Christians and Jews. Muslims believe that Allah's sovereignty is to
be acknowledged in worship and in the pledge to obey His teaching and
commandments, conveyed through His messengers and prophets who were
sent at various times and in many places throughout history.
However, it should be noted that God in Islam is One and Only. He,
the Exalted, does not get tired, does not have a son ie Jesus or
have associates, nor does He have human-like attributions as found in
other faiths.


MISCONCEPTION #4:
Islam was spread by the sword and intolerant of other faiths.


Many social studies textbooks for students show the image of an Arab
horseman carrying a sword in one hand and the Quran in the other
conquering and forcibly converting. This, though, is not a correct
portrayal of history. Islam has always given respect and freedom of
religion to all faiths. The Quran says: "God forbids you not, with
regards to those who fight you not for [your] faith nor drive you out
of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for God
loveth those who are just. 60:8)

Freedom of religion is laid down in the Quran itself: "There is no
compulsion (or coercion) in the religion (Islam). The right
direction is distinctly clear from error". (2:256) Christian
missionary, T.W. Arnold had this opinion on his study of the question
of the spread of Islam: ".. of any organized attempt to force the
acceptance of Islam on the non-Muslim population, or of any
systematic persecution intended to stamp out the Christian religion,
we hear nothing. Had the caliphs chosen to adopt either course of
action, they might have swept away Christianity as easily as
Ferdinand and Isabella drove Islam out of Spain, or Louis XIV made
Protestanism ..."

It is a function of Islamic law to protect the privileged status of
minorities, and this is why non-Muslim places of worship have
flourished all over the Islamic world. History provides many
examples of Muslim tolerance towards other faiths: when the caliph
Omar entered Jerusalem in the year 634, Islam granted freedom of
worship to all religious communities in the city. Proclaiming to the
inhabitants that their lives, and property were safe, and that their
places of worship would never be taken from them, he asked the
Christian patriarch Sophronius to accompany him on a visit to all the
holy places. Islamic law also permits non-Muslim minorities to set up
their own courts, which implement family laws drawn up by the
minorities themselves. The life and property of all citizens in an
Islamic state are considered sacred whether the person is Muslim or
not.

Racism is not a part of Islam, the Quran speaks only of human equality
and how all peoples are equal in the sight of God. "O mankind! We
created you from a single soul, male and female, and made you into
nations and tribes, so that you may come to know one another. Truly,
the most honored of you in God's sight is the greatest of you in
piety. God is All-Knowing, All- Aware. (49:13)



MISCONCEPTION #5:
All Muslims are Arabs


The Muslim population of the world is around 1.2 billion. 1 out of 5
people in the world is a Muslim. They are a vast range of races,
nationalities, and cultures from around the globe--from the
Phillipines to Nigeria--they are united by their common Islamic faith.
Only about 18% live in the Arab world and the largest Muslim
community is in Indonesia. Most Muslims live east of Pakistan. 30%
of Muslims live in the Indian subcontinent, 20% in Sub-Saharan Africa,
17% in Southeast Asia, 18% in the Arab world, and 10% in the Soviet
Union and China. Turkey, Iran and Afghanistan make up 10% of the
non-Arab Middle East. Although there are Muslim minorities in almost
every area, including Latin America and Australia, they are most
numerous in Russia and its newly independent states, India and
central Africa. There are about 6 million Muslims in the United
States



MISCONCEPTION #6:
The Nation of Islam is a Muslim group.


Islam and the so called "Nation of Islam'" are two different
religions. NOI is more of a political organization since its members
are not limited to a single faith. Muslims consider this group to be
just one of many cults using the name of Islam for their own gain.
The only thing common between them is the jargon, the language used
by both. "The Nation of Islam" is a misnomer; this religion should be
called Farrakhanism, after the name of its propogator, Louis Farrakhan.

Islam and Farakhanism differ in many fundamental ways. For example,
Farakhan followers believe in racism and that the 'black man' was the
original man and therefore superior, while in Islam there is no
racism and everyone is considered equal in the sight of God, the only
difference being in one's piety. There are many other theological
examples that show the 'Nation's teachings have little to do with
true Islam. There are many groups in America who claim to represent
Islam and call their adherents Muslims.

Any serious student of Islam has a duty to investigate and find the
true Islam. The only two authentic sources which bind every Muslim
are 1. the Quran and 2. authentic or sound Hadith. Any teachings under
the label of "Islam" which contradict or at variance with the direct
understanding of fundamental beliefs and practices of Islam form the
Quran and authentic Hadith should be rejected and such a religion
should be considered a Pseudo-Islamic Cult. In America there are many
pseudo-Islamic cults, Farrakhanism being one of them. An honest
attitude on the part of such cults should be not to call themselves
Muslims and their religion Islam. such an example of honesty is
Bahaism which is an off-shoot of Islam but Bahais do not call
themselves Muslims nor their religion, Islam. In fact Bahaism is not
Islam just as Farrakhanism is not Islam.



MISCONCEPTION #7:
All Muslim men marry four wives.


The religion of Islam was revealed for all societies and all times and
so accommodates widely differing social requirements. Circumstances
may warrant the taking of another wife but the right is granted,
according to the Quran, only on condition that the husband is
scrupulously fair. No woman can be forced into this kind of marriage
if they do not wish it, and they also have the right to exclude it in
their marriage contract.

Polygamy is neither mandatory, nor encouraged, but merely permitted.
Images of "sheikhs with harems" are not consistent with Islam, as a
man is only allowed at most four wives only if he can fulfill the
stringent conditions of treating each fairly and providing each with
separate housing etc. Permission to practice polygamy is not
associated with mere satisfaction of passion. It is rather
associated with compassion toward widows and orphans. It was the
Quran that limited and put conditions on the practice of polygamy
among the Arabs, who had as many as ten or more wives and considered
them "property".

It is both honest and accurate to say that it is Islam that regulated
this practice, limited it, made it more humane, and instituted equal
rights and status for all wives. What the Qur'anic decrees amount to,
taken together is discouragement of polygamy unless necessity for it
exists. It is also evident that the general rule in Islam is monogamy
and not polygamy. It is a very tiny percentage of Muslims that
practice it over the world. However, permission to practice limited
polygamy is only consistent with Islam's realistic view of the nature
of man and woman and of various social needs, problems and cultural
variations.

The question is, however far more than the inherent flexibility of
Islam; it also is the frank and straightforward approach of Islam in
dealing with practical problems. Rather than requiring hypocritical
and superficial compliance, Islam delves deeper into the problems of
individuals and societies, and provides for legitimate and clean
solutions which are far more beneficial than would be the case if they
were ignored. There is no doubt that the second wife legally married
and treated kindly is better off than a mistress without any legal
rights or expermanence.



MISCONCEPTION #8:
Muslims are a barbaric, backward people.


Among the reasons for the rapid and peaceful spread of Islam was the
simplicity of its doctrine-Islam calls for faith in only one God
worthy of worship. It also repeatedly instructs man to use his
powers of intelligence and observation. Within a few years, great
civilizations and universities were flourishing, for according to the
Prophet (pbuh), 'seeking knowledge is an obligation for every Muslim
man and woman'.

The synthesis of Eastern and Western ideas and of new thought with
old, brought about great advances in medicine, mathematics, physics,
astronomy, geography, architecture, art, literature, and history.
Many crucial systems such as algebra, the Arabic numerals, and also
the concept of the zero (vital to the advancement of mathematics),
were transmitted to medieval Europe from Islam. Sophisticated
instruments which were to make possible the European voyages of
discovery were developed, including the astrolabe, the quadrant and
good navigational maps.



MISCONCEPTION #9:
Muhammad was the founder of Islam and Muslims worship him.


Muhammad(pbuh) was born in Mecca in the year 570. Since his father
died before his birth, and his mother shortly afterwards, he was
raised by his uncle from the respected tribe of Quraysh. As he grew
up, he became known for his truthfulness, generosity and sincerity, so
that he was sought after for his ability to arbitrate in disputes.
The historians describe him as calm and meditative. Muhammad (pbuh)
was of a deeply religious nature, and had long detested the decadence
of his society.

It became his habit to meditate from time to time in the Cave of Hira
near Mecca. At the age of 40, while engaged in a meditative retreat,
Muhammad(pbuh) received his first revelation from God through the
Angel Gabriel. This revelation, which continued for 23 years is
known as the Quran. As soon as he began to recite the words he heard
from Gabriel, and to preach the truth which God had revealed to him,
he and his small group of followers suffered bitter persecution,
which grew so fierce that in the year 622 God gave them the command to
emigrate.

This event, the Hijra 'migration', in which they left Mecca for the
city of Medina, marks the beginning of the Muslim calendar. After
several years, the Prophet and his followers were able to return to
Mecca, where they forgave their enemies and established Islam
definitively. Before the Prophet saw dies at the age of 63, the
greater part of Arabia was Muslim, and within a century of his death
Islam had spread to Spain in the West and as far East as China. He
died with less than 5 possessions to his name.

While Muhammad (pbuh) was chosen to deliver the message, he is not
considered the "founder" of Islam, since Muslims consider Islam to be
the same divine guidance sent to all peoples before. Muslims believe
all the prophets from Adam, Noah, Moses, Jesus etc. were all sent
with divine guidance for their peoples. Every prophet was sent to his
own people, but Muhammad(pbuh) was sent to all of mankind. Muhammad
is the last and final messenger sent to deliver the message of Islam.
Muslims revere and honor him (pbuh) for all he went through and his
dedication, but they do not worship him. "O Prophet, verily We have
sent you as a witness and a bearer of glad tidings and a warner and
as one who invites unto God by His leave and as an illuminating
lamp."(33:45-6)



MISCONCEPTION #10:
Muslims don't believe in Jesus or any other prophets.


Muslims respect and revere Jesus, upon him be peace, and await his
Second Coming. They consider him one of the greatest of God's
messengers to mankind. A Muslim never refers to him simply as
'Jesus', but always adds the phrase 'upon him be peace' (abbreviated
as (u) here). The Quran confirms his virgin birth (a chapter of the
Quran is entitled 'Mary'), and Mary is considered the purest woman in
all creation. The Quran describes the Annunciation as follows:

"Behold!" the Angel said, "God has chosen you, and purified you, and
chosen you above the women of all nations. O Mary, God gives you
good news of a word from Him whose name shall be the Messiah, Jesus
son of Mary, honored in this world and the Hereafter, and one of those
brought near to God. He shall speak to the people from his cradle and
in maturity, and shall be of the righteous." She said: "O my Lord!
How shall I have a son when no man has touched me?" He said: "Even
so; God creates what He will. When He decrees a thing, He says to it,
"Be!" and it is" (Quran 3:42-47)

Jesus (u) was born miraculously through the same power, which had
brought Adam (u) into being without a father: "Truly, the likeness of
Jesus with God is as the likeness of Adam. He created him of dust,
and then said to him, 'Be!' and he was." (3:59) During his prophetic
mission Jesus (u) performed many miracles. The Quran tells us that he
said: " I have come to you with a sign from your Lord: I make for you
out of clay, as it were, the figure of a bird, and breath into it
and it becomes a bird by God's leave. And I heal the blind, and the
lepers, and I raise the dead by God's leave." (3:49) Neither Muhammad
(pbuh) not Jesus (u) came to change the basic doctrine of the brief in
One God brought by earlier prophets, but to confirm and renew it.

In the Quran Jesus (u) is reported as saying that he came: "To attest
the law which was before me. And to make lawful to you part of what
was forbidden you; I have come to you with a sign from your Lord, so
fear God and obey Me. (3:50) The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
"Whoever believes there is no god but God, alone without partner,
that Muhammad (pbuh) is His messenger, that Jesus is the servant and
messenger of God, His word breathed into Mary and a spirit emanating
from Him, and that Paradise and Hell are true, shall be received by
God into Heaven. "(Hadith related by Bukhari).

Sources:

(Islam: A Brief Introduction, Islamic Circle of North America,
Jamaica, New York)

(Understanding Islam and the Muslims, The Islamic Affairs Department
The Embassy of Saudi Arabia, Washington DC, 1989.)

(Badawi, Jamal, Polygamy in Islamic Law, The Muslim Students'
Association of the United States & Canada,)

(Islam and Farrakhanism Compared, The Institute of Islamic Information
and Education, Chicago, Illinois)

(Jihad Explained, The Institute of Islamic Information & Education,
Chicago, Illinois)

What is A Good Muslim Marriage Like?

What is A Good Muslim Marriage Like?

`You shall not enter Paradise until you have faith, and you shall not have faith until you love one another. Have compassion on those who are on earth, and He Who is in Heaven will have compassion for you.' (Hadith in Bukhari) Firstly, a good Muslim marriage should show welcome. Even if the wife did not spend all her day in the home, but perhaps had some employment outside it - even so, the Muslim home should be ready to welcome the family and the guest. It is the most miserable thing in the world to come home to a dark, locked house, totally empty and bereft of human presence -and this is particularly crushing to a new husband or a child. Any wife thinking of taking up some kind of employment should bear this in mind. Where children are involved, she should make some arrangement with a relative or helper so that they do not build up a mental picture of a home where they `don't count', where they do not feel welcome. As regards a husband, as he is an adult he should not ignore the problems, but be able to talk the thing through and see what the difficulties are, and be able to support the best possible solution that is acceptable to them both. In an Islamic marriage, both husband and wife have responsibilities and duties, and both are individuals responsible before God for their own Records. Neither has the right to impose or force the other to do something against religion, or to make the other suffer. It is no good, of course, the husband simply feeling `hard done-by' if he wishes to accept the wife's earnings as part of the total income of the household, but then makes a fuss if it is he who returns to the house first, and who might, perhaps, be expected in that case to light the oven or make the tea! Obviously, if the wife returns before the husband, it is she who gets the `dark emptiness', and she is naturally expected to accept this as part of the way things are. To some extent, it is not really `part of the way things are' any more, in a society where the women are increasingly joining the men as part of the country's workforce. This has to be acknowledged. The correct Islamic attitude should always be to seek out the best way, and not insist on any code of conduct that is going to upset either partner, or make either partner suffer unfairly. It means that sometimes a husband may have to take the rough with the smooth, or it may mean that the wife may find it better for her marriage not to take full time employment, if this threatens to put too much strain on the marriage. Everything should be considered fairly and openly. It is patently not all right to expect a highly intelligent woman to sit around at home wasting her life's talents by limiting herself to housework alone. It is true that there is serious unemployment in many Muslim societies, and a major influx of women into the jobs market would make this much worse and leave many families without one breadwinner, let alone two. But it is also true that the Muslim world is crying out for female doctors, nurses, lecturers and so forth, and these women have to undergo considerable sacrifice in order to get themselves trained, and expect to be able to offer their services to the community in much the same way as a trained man. It is not the duty of a Muslim man to be selfish and deprive the community of these talented and dedicated women, and expect them to limit themselves to the service of just one man. So many men take the talents of their wives for granted, and stultify their possible development, which is such a great pity, and a tragedy for society. On another level, there are many women who cannot cope with being confined all day with children and domestic affairs, who long to go out to work simply to have something else to do, other people to see and talk to, and a little financial reward at the end of it. A Muslim man should realise that he is a lucky person indeed if his wife is happy to devote her whole time and attention to him and his needs, and those of their children and relations. He should count his blessings and never forget to appreciate what a treasure he has been granted. In many Muslim societies it is taken for granted that a married woman will pass her life in this way, and only someone who has traveled extensively from Muslim country to Muslim country, and had access and the ability to observe the life of Muslim women, can comment fairly on the enormous weight of boredom that lies over the lives of many of these sisters. It is not full Islam - for God would not have given women the ability to be professionally employed if He had intended a wholly different vocation for them. The Prophet's (s) first wife Khadija was first his employer, while his cousin-wife Zaynab continued to work after their marriage. She made and sold excellent leather saddles, and the Prophet (s) was very pleased with her work. When Islam began fourteen hundred years ago, the women around the Prophet participated in public life, were vocal about social inequalities, and often shared decision making with him. This continued through the golden age of Muslim civilization, when women occupied a far more central role in society than they do nowadays. There were colleges like Cairo's Saqlatuniya Academy which provided higher education for women, and were staffed by women professors. The biographical dictionaries of the great hadith scholars reveal that about a sixth of the hadith scholars in the Muslim middle ages were women. Historians today also marvel at the major role which Muslim women played in the medieval economy, a role made possible by the fact that Islamic law grants a woman the right to own and dispose of property independently of her husband, a law only introduced in the West at the beginning of the twentieth century! But it cannot be denied that over the past three hundred years of our history, women have increasingly disappeared from such positions. It is our duty to try and revive the classical Muslim tradition in this important area. All this reminds us that true submission to God in Islam means that each individual must do the very best possible to make use of all their talents and abilities, for the greater good of the community. If the person involved happens to be a Muslim woman, there is the extra responsibility that the household and family must not suffer, and the onus really falls on her. Any Muslim woman worth her salt will work out a satisfactory way of fulfilling all her obligations, and any Muslim man bearing this in mind should be supportive and sympathetic, and willing to pitch in and give practical help when required. The sunna of the Blessed Prophet in this respect was revealed by his wife A'isha. A hadith in Bukhari tells us that when asked what he did at home, she replied that he helped his wives with their work until it was time to go out to lead the prayers. As a perfect gentleman and the leader of the Muslim nation, he did not regard helping his wives as a slur on his manhood. If the wife spends all her time caring for her home, then her man must appreciate this sacrifice and devote sufficient time to her as reward for her efforts. He should notice what she has done, and take an interest in it. It is not good Islam simply to take everything for granted, and insult the wife's stalwart efforts by regarding them simply as a man's right. A good Muslim husband will obviously not distress his wife by going off boozing and flirting with other women, but neither should he just pop into the house for a meal and then rush off out again with his male friends and spend excessive hours in their company (even at the mosque), leaving the wife alone in the evening when she might have hoped to share a little of his time. It is a commonplace `blindness' in many societies that only the employed people are `working', and the ones at home are not. True Muslims should never forget that the money brought in for the family's support is earned by a joint effort; if husbands think they are the sole earners and breadwinners, then they should stop to figure out what it would cost them if they lost their wives and were obliged to hire a purchasing agent, a cook, a kitchen hand, a cleaner, a housekeeper, a decorator, a nursemaid, a chauffeur for the children, and so on. Normally the wife saves all this expense by doing this work herself - quite a contribution! If the wife does go out to work, then extra thought and organisation are obviously needed, if the home is not to lose out. This might mean that a husband would be expected to do more in the way of housework than he might really want to do - and in fairness, if a woman is working long hours as well as the man, then he is a poor Muslim if he does not do his fair share around the house. Some Muslim men need reminding that the various fatwas (authoritative pronouncements in religious law) on who has responsibility for housework actually vary quite a lot from madhhab to madhhab, and that there is no fixed and rigid Islamic ruling in this respect. The Hanafis, for example (who include most Muslims in Britain), regard housework as a religious obligation binding upon the wife. Yet the position of the classical Shafi'i school is quite different: `A woman is not obliged to serve her husband by baking, grinding flour, cooking, washing, or any other kind of service, because the marriage contract entails, for her part, only that she let him enjoy her sexually, and she is not obliged to do other than that.' (Reliance of the Traveler, tr. Keller, p.948.) If the man is not prepared or able to do his fair share, then other things have to be done when a woman goes out to work: cleaners, gardeners and baby minders have to be hired to help. With good organisation, if can be done. A Muslim wife who let her home go to ruin while she made money outside would be at fault; but the responsibility of seeing that all runs smoothly is up to both husband and wife. There is no point whatsoever in a wife collapsing with exhaustion to the disgust of an unsympathetic husband. The Islamic way is one of love and consideration, and unselfish sharing. Another aspect of welcome is in the generous reception of guests, which is regarded as an important Islamic duty. In Islam, the guest needs no invitation, even to come and stay for a few days, though it is obviously good manners if the visitor can inform the host in advance of his or her arrival. When guests come, Muslims should be hospitable and generous, whether or not they expect to get the same treatment in return. As regards the guest, you do not know whom God will send you, or for what reason - therefore you should always be prepared, no matter how humble the guest, or how inconvenient - and your household should always be welcoming. To achieve this, it has to be well ordered, with thoughtful and considerate catering. A guest cannot be welcomed if the cupboards are bare, and the furniture is dirty or broken down, or if the husband and wife are seething with anger and resentment for each other. To this end, it is very important that Muslim men learn properly the principles of Islam when considering both the guest and the person who caters for the guest - who is, of course, usually the wife. It is bad manners to bring back people unexpectedly, unless this really cannot be helped, especially in a society that has full use of the telephone! Even then, a good guest should not expect to be entertained lavishly if no warning has been given - for the cupboard could be bare, or the wife could be sick or exhausted, or vitally engaged in some other planned activity. It is one thing to welcome the guest as the `gift of Allah', but it is quite another thing for people to impose rudely on others without thought for their convenience. If this happens, the wife can at least console herself with the thought that her sacrifice and good manners will be recorded to her benefit, whereas the guest's and the husband's rudeness will have to be accounted for! Allah has taught that although a good wife will always be hospitable, a Muslim should not enter another's house before seeking permission (sura 24:27-8), even from those very close to him or her - for people in their homes may be in a state of dress or mood in which they do not wish to be seen. The Prophet (s) said that if a man arrived home earlier than expected he should wait, so that `the woman who has not dressed may have time to smarten herself, and one whose husband was away might take a bath and become neat and clean.' (Bukhari) The Prophet (s) taught that it was wrong to bang loudly on a door, for someone might be asleep or ill inside the house. Furthermore, unexpected callers should not persist if they suspect the householders do not wish to answer them. If there is no response after knocking (or ringing) three times, the Prophet (s) instructed that the caller should tactfully leave. The Prophet (s) was exceedingly generous, and encouraged Muslims to be similarly generous to guests, letting them stay overnight if need be - but he limited this automatic right of hospitality to three days. The principle is that no guest should stay so long as to become a nuisance or a burden. He said: `The entertainment of a guest is three days, but unstinting kindness and courtesy is for a day and a night. It is not permitted for a Muslim to stay with his brother until he makes him sinful.' They said: `O Messenger of God! How would he make him sinful?' He replied: `By staying with him so long that no provisions are left with which to entertain him.' In normal circumstances, a good Muslim wife should never be totally unprepared, or caught without something to offer as hospitality. At the least, the guest should be able to expect 'pot luck', a simple drink and cake or biscuit; but should then go and not linger excessively. The Sunna of the Prophet makes it quite clear that he always advised giving proper warning when a guest was coming, so that the wife could have things ready, and not be shamed by the thoughtlessness of her husband. The second quality needed in a Muslim home is commitment. This means commitment from both partners, of course. It must be obvious even to newlyweds that people cannot go through life without annoying each other, irritating each other, letting each other down in all sorts of ways, and making mistakes. Commitment means that when things start to go wrong, neither partner will give up and run away. In many parts of the world marriages are quickly broken because the partners take the view that if it doesn't work out, then they'll end it. They regard marriages as conditional. Where that viewpoint exists, the marriage is almost doomed from the start, and generally produces pain and heartache. Threatening to walk out is a kind of blackmail that can have dire consequences. It brings insecurity, making the partner who is to be left behind convinced that the other does not really love them. It outs the nasty sneak feeling of being abandoned in the back of the listener's mind. It is especially dangerous to make this kind of threat if 'walking out' means abandoning someone who cannot cope on their own, or returning to a foreign country. Once two people have committed themselves to each other, they should move mountains in order to stay together, rather than let silly things come between them. A good rule is never to go to bed in anger with a quarrel unresolved. Sometimes proud people find it incredibly difficult to make 'peace terms' with each other when they have fallen out; in a good marriage some kind of code or signaling is sometimes an enormous help. You do not feel like falling at the feet of your spouse in abject apology, but you do not wish to prolong hostilities. A pet word, or phrase or gesture is what is needed as a kind of 'white flag'; when it is recognized, it gives a chance to cool down and restore good humor. My own husband (fresh from Pakistan) and I used to have blazing rows over all sorts of things which often got quite frightening for me; but I always knew when the `rough wind' was blowing over when he grunted that I was a `bloody Englishwoman'! It was hardly a compliment, but it was my little signal that peace was on its way, and sure enough, our arms were around each other before very long - even if neither side refused to give in! The third vital quality is sense of humour, something our Blessed Prophet (s) understood very well. No marriage will survive without it. The ability to see the funny side of things has saved sanity and avoided bloodshed in many a tricky situation. One of the lovely things about a successful marriage is that when the storm clouds have blown over, one can often look back and laugh at whatever if was that had seemed such a serious and vital matter at the time. A sense of humour helps a person to keep things in perspective. It helps one to cope when your mother-in-law is breathing heavily down your neck, or when some eminent visitor has called unexpectedly and caught you at your worst; it helps you to cope with that apparent law of nature (actually a trial) that if it is possible for a thing to go wrong or get worse it will choose the most inconvenient (and public) moment to do so. It helps you to look objectively at what went wrong, and put your failing into perspective; most of our human failings are pretty common, and shared by the vast majority of humanity. Sometimes things that seemed so serious to us at the time when they happened become just a story to be told with a laugh when you recount them later to others. The fourth quality is patience, which goes hand-in-hand with tolerance and consideration. A Muslim learns to be patient in so many ways. In the early days and weeks of marriage, young couples are often impatient to have all the things that they were used to in their parents' homes - but this is obviously unreasonable, unless you are very wealthy. Sometimes it took your parents a lifetime to collect up all their worldly bits and pieces. You are only just beginning, and you cannot have everything in the first five minutes. Sometimes the new husband complains that his wife can't cook like his mother. But how does he know how well his mother could cook when she first got married? It may be that his wife is actually doing better than she did! Sometimes a new wife complains that her husband isn't bringing in the money like her father used to. But how does she know how her father struggled when he first got married? If you are given everything without having to work for it, you will not value it and be thankful for it. Nobody would. It is important for your relationship that you grow together, and work together, and build up your home with its own particular atmosphere, together. There are two serious dangers here - a `martyrdom' complex (the one doing all the work and making all the sacrifices and/or decisions), and a `not-my-home' complex (the one who is left out, or who chooses not to get involved). If only one of you does all the work or all the planning, the other partner will never feel that he or she fully belongs, and may even become resentful - which seems so strange to the partner who has done all the donkey work `for' the other. Build your home together, so that its atmosphere is created by both of you, then neither side will be resentful or undervalue the sacrifice of the other. You are no longer a single person, but have a companion to share your life with. It takes time and effort to blend two lives together in harmony. Many romantic stories end when the couple get married and they live `happily ever after'. In real life, the wedding is just the first chapter, and it is the living happily afterwards, day by day, that presents the challenge. There is not a lot of thrill in getting up early, going to work, doing the chores, and so on. Like a lot of people nowadays, you may have launched your marriage with expectations that were not very realistic; and when these were not met, you came down with a big dose of disappointment and dismay. Yes, it can come as a shock when you are no longer living alone (when you can do as you like), or with a family that you have been with all your life and are used to. You might suddenly discover that you don't know the new person you are with as well as you thought you did. The success of your marriage and your happiness will depend upon your willingness to make allowances, and adjust. Be tolerant with the other person's ways, likes and dislikes. Give the other person room. So many marriages are spoiled by wives or husbands clinging desperately on to their spouse, unwilling to let them do the least little thing on their own. This can be a terrible mistake, for no matter how much you may love that other person, you cannot change him or her into you. There will be all sorts of things that your partner would like to do, which he or she may not feel they can do once they get married. This is a great pity, and brings loss into the relationship rather than gain. Try to organise your life together so that you do have some space that is your own, and some activities which are your own too. This could become of vital importance if the husband is one of those Muslims who starts spending more and more time away on that most innocent of pleasures - his time at the mosque. Two things are important - firstly, that the wife can accept cheerfully that he does want to go, and that it is good for him to do so; and secondly that the husband does not make his trips out to the mosque an excuse to neglect his wife and family. The teaching of the Blessed Prophet was quite clear on this score - a man who neglected his wife was not the `best of Muslims' and was not scoring `good points' for himself by his long hours away from her and his family - even if he was busily saying extra voluntary prayers. Such prayers can be said at home. It is real neglect if he is still behaving like a single man, and is just socialising with his male friends. Once again, a really abandoned wife might find consolation in the realisation that she will be earning merit for coping with this distressing situation. He, of course, will be building up sins of omission for which he will one day be called to account. Try not to nag. This only gives the nagged partner an extra excuse to stay away - to avoid the nagging! The Prophet Suleiman (as) once said `a nagging wife is like water endlessly dripping.' Women are often more emotional than men, and more inclined to give vent to their feelings when they are upset about something, and they may also feel that this is the only weapon they have. But this kind of emotional pressure only alienates husbands, it does not solve the problem. It is simply a wife's duty as a Muslima to point out both sides of the situation, and leave her partner to draw his own conclusions, and take the responsibility for his own action, or lack of it. Think, and be compassionate, before you criticise. Before a wife wonders where her romantic suitor has vanished to, now that her husband takes her for granted, she should try to understand that he maybe stressed and working hard in today's demanding workplace to be a good provider, and struggling with his new responsibilities. Likewise, before a husband wonders what has happened to the glamorous young lady he married, who has `changed, now that she has got her man', notice whether she is working hard to cook and clean, and gets tired and does not have as much time to spend on looking attractive as before. Empathy and patient understanding are virtues that no marriage can flourish without. This business of patience really leads us on to the next important quality in a marriage - trust. If you do not fully trust your partner, then your marriage is already failing. Worse, if you happen to know for certain that they will let you down, or do something you will not like, then they are deliberately attacking the foundations of your relationship. Life partners should have a faithfulness towards each other that no one can challenge - whether another woman or man, or a member of the family, or a person at work, or at the mosque. In the world outside people will say and do all sorts of things for all sorts of motives; often they try to upset a happy marriage for no other reason than it is happy - this being a form of destructive jealousy. If you know your partner fully, and know their character, then you should be able to trust implicitly that they will not behave in a manner that would let you down, and that if they are accused of having done this, then the accusation is false. Even, if the worst came to the worst, and the accusation was not false, and on this occasion your spouse had let you down, if you trust your partner you will know that he or she will be bitterly regretting it, and wishing things could have turned out differently. The kindest thing in this situation in Islam is to `cover the fault of your loved one, and set it aside, giving them a chance to repent and not repeat the misdemeanour. `Whoever conceals [the misdeed of] a Muslim, Allah shall conceal his misdeeds on the Day of Arising. (Hadith narrated by Bukhari) It is in keeping with the mercy of Allah that you should deal gently with them. If you were severe with them, or harsh of heart, they would have dispersed from round about you. So pass over their faults, and ask forgiveness for them. (Holy Quran, 3:159) None of us is perfect. None of us can claim never to have done or said something that we did not later regret. The most beautiful thing about Islam in everyday life is its mercy and compassion -and the knowledge that when we are sorry for the things we have done wrong, or the things we have not done that we ought to have done, that our Lord forgives us. O My servants, who have transgressed against their own souls! Do not despair of the mercy of Allah! Truly, Allah forgives all sins; He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Holy Quran, 39:53) In Islamic marriage, we should try to act by these same principles, and always give our partners the fullest opportunity to make amends for their mistakes, trusting that their Islam is strong enough for them to live according to this principle. The Blessed Prophet (s) explained: Believers are like one body; if one member aches, the other members ache for it with fever and sleeplessness. (Bukhari and Muslim) `The Muslims are to each other like the structure of a building. Each part of it gives support to the others.' Then the Blessed Prophet intertwined the fingers of one hand together with the fingers of the other. (Bukhari) All of this is not just a generalised teaching to all the Muslims; it is especially important to Muslims who happen to be married to each other.

A Few Rules for A Happy Marriage

A Few Rules for A Happy Marriage

1. Tell each other you love each other. 2 Never both be angry at the same time. 3 If you have to criticise, do it lovingly. 4 Never bring up old mistakes. 5 Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. 6 Neglect the whole dunya rather than each other. 7 Pray together at least once a day. 8 Remember that behind every successful spouse is an exhausted partner. 9 Remember it takes two to quarrel. 10 When you have done something wrong, admit it. 11 At least once a day, say something kind or complimentary to your partner. 12 Do not go to bed more than ten minutes after your partner. 13 Listen when your partner is speaking. 14 Remember that your spouse is more important than the television/match/video etc. 15 Notice when your partner is wearing something new, or has a new hairdo. 16 Remember anniversaries. 17 Thank your partner for their gift, or effort on your behalf. 18 Last one up, make the bed. 19 Notice when your spouse looks tired, and do something about it. 20 Never run your partner down, or criticise them in public.

The Key to A Happy Marriage

The Key to A Happy Marriage

`Actions are only (judged) by intentions; each person shall be rewarded only for that which he intended.' (Bukhari and Muslim) All human beings share the same basic needs - to feel needed, to be appreciated, respected and loved. Without these needs, a human being cannot really be said to be human. And the most obvious thing about these needs is that they all depend absolutely on the relationship of one person with another. So basic are they that one can surely take evidence from them that the need for people to find partners, and mate, and interact together with each other and then in the creation of happy, stable families, is intended by our Creator as a sign. The family is the oldest of all human institutions, and entire civilizations have flourished or disappeared depending on whether family life was strong or weak. Yet all over the world today, and not just in the West, families are breaking down and societies are disintegrating into confusion and despair. Hence the central importance which Islam attaches to family values, and to the art -and it is an art- of making this most basic of all relationships work. Embarking on a marriage is really very similar to beginning the construction of a building. The building may be extremely magnificent and grand, but the most important thing about it is the foundation upon which it is built. If those foundations are not secure, the building will not survive when the storms and shocks of stress hit it, as they inevitably will sooner or later. What does a husband need to do in order to gain his wife's respect? And why does it matter so much to him? And why does a woman have such a powerful need for a husband's love? How can she earn it, and keep him faithful to her? Our Lord has revealed guidelines for human life together since the dawn of time, and for over fourteen centuries Muslims have had the example of the life of the Prophet Muhammad (s). Wise counsel on how to build the foundations of a marriage, and then to create a happy family, have been freely available for anyone to consult. Muslims believe that whether people follow these guidelines or not actually determines not only their earthly happiness, but also their eternal fate once their earthly life is finished. There are really two keys to a happy marriage. The first is to love Allah, and to seek to apply His principles in every situation and relationship. The second is to do a little sensible soul searching and analysis before embarking on such an important enterprise -one that is going to be the most profound commitment in the whole of your life, and is going to affect the lives and well-being of so many people, not only your own! What does a person want from marriage? Before committing the selves to a life partner, every individual should try to sit down calmly and become conscious of what their needs really are, and consider whether or not the proposed partner is going to prove likely to be able to fulfill those needs. These needs are not just for a man to have a cheap servant or concubine (a maid, or an available sex partner for whenever he feels `in the mood'); or for a woman to have someone to shower her with gifts, clothes, jewelry and flowers, or to provide the means for her to cradle in her arms a beloved baby (a sugar daddy or a stud bull). The needs amount to much more than that. They are physical, emotional, and also spiritual. What are your values and your goals, and how do you expect to achieve them? You have to know yourself pretty well, and also have a fair idea of whether or not your intended spouse understands them and is willing and able to satisfy them. Furthermore, if your marriage is to be successful, you must also be considerate towards the legitimate needs of your partner, and not just look to your own gratification. If you are going to be happy, then your spouse must be happy also, or your relationship is doomed. We have physical needs, not only for sexual satisfaction but also for food, clothing and shelter. We also have emotional needs - for understanding, kindness and compassion. We have the need for companionship and friendship, a person with whom we can share our intimate thoughts and still feel secure; someone who we know is not going to laugh at us or mock us, but is going to care about us. We need to feel that we are building something up together, and accomplishing something that is good. Then, we have the spiritual need for inner peace and contentment. We need to feel at home with a partner whose way of life is compatible with our own sense of morality, and our desire to live in such a way as is pleasing to God. If our religion means anything at all to us, then the most fundamental need we have is to find someone whose Islam is not just on the lips, but has reached the heart. We will not feel comfortable if we are settled in a life partnership with someone whose ways, morals or habits make us uneasy or disapproving - that would not make for our inner peace, but would be a terrible worry. We want to feel secure. This has nothing to do with satisfying our urges for career, fame, wealth, and material possessions. Such things are pleasant enough, but Muslims know that there is a hunger of the spirit that remains even after all these physical needs are satisfied. The love of dunya - the things of this world - is a tricky illusion. Muslims know that no matter, how pleasant they may be, the things of this world are ephemeral and will pass away quickly: they are dependent on the will of Allah. A millionaire can be ground into the dust at the slightest turn of fate. Nothing of the earth's riches can be taken with us when we leave here to make the journey that comes after this brief life in the world. Our spirits long to know who we are, what we are, why we are here, where we are going, and how we can get there. Non believers scoff at religion, but find their hearts are not at ease because they do not have the answers to these questions. Muslims feel that even if they do not know all the details for certain, at least they are on the right road. Even if they do not always know the reason why Allah has given a particular instruction, they trust His judgment, and know it is right to carry it out, and that in doing so they will find happiness and contentment. So, when we are about to embark upon marriage, we need to be aware of how we feel about all these issues - and also, how our chosen partner feels. Of course, it is impossible to sit down and thrash out all the answers in five minutes. The greatest brains in the world spend whole lifetimes on these issues. Nevertheless, it is sensible to at least be aware of the issues - even if we cannot come up with all the answers - and to have talked about them frankly to the intended spouse. To make a successful marriage, it is also vital that you take into consideration the needs and nature of your partner. What he or she believes about `life, the universe and everything' is important in the pursuit of your own happiness and success. For if only one half of the partnership is happy and fulfilled by the relationship, it will not be long before both are affected. People intending to marry need to know from the outset whether or not they are compatible with each other. This means more than whether or not they are from a suitable family, or whether they are practicing the basic obligations of the faith: such things are important, but to believe that they are all that matters may lead to disaster. Sometimes, when one has fallen in love one is almost in a state of sickness which impairs the mental state. They say `love is blind'. as Imam Busiri says in his poem Al-Burda. "You have besieged me with advice, but I hear it not; For the man in love is deaf to all reproaches.' Often the person in love is so besotted with the beloved that they simply cannot see the things that are `wrong' with the loved one. Or if they can, they assume that their love is so powerful that it will overcome all obstacles and incompatibilities, and will be able to influence the beloved to change according to the desires and tastes of the lover. Some hope! If two people are not well suited as a team, then the going is likely to be rough. According to an old Middle Eastern proverb, a field cannot be properly ploughed if an ox and a donkey are yoked together. Such a performance might be possible, but it would cause pain and hardship to both. The same applies in marriage. If a man and woman have totally different interests, tastes, pastimes, and types of friends, it is a dead cert that their marriage will soon come under strain. This is one good reason why it is important for life partners to have a shared attitude to their religion. Allah has prohibited marriage to polytheists, and has commanded us to marry people of religion. He has also approved the involvement of parents and guardians in the choice of spouse. Family backgrounds often have a great deal to do with the set of values people have. When the backgrounds of both husband and wife are similar, they will probably find it easier to grow together. However, Allah and His Prophet (s) have stated that people from widely different backgrounds can make very good marriages, so long as their attitude to their religion is compatible. `A slave who believes is better (for you) than an idolatress, though she attract you.' (Quran, 2:221) `A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her rank, her beauty and her religion. Win the one who is religious, and you will prosper.' (Bukhari and Muslim) Many marriages these days end up in unhappiness or even divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. If the partners had stood aside from the issue of `being in love' for a moment, and had been careful to examine their actual compatibility instead, these tragedies might have been averted. Hence the importance of intelligent parental help in selecting and assessing potential partners! Sincere respect for each other is the most vital element - not so called `closeness' and physical intimacy before marriage. Unbridled passion might seem flattering at first, but it actually betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person's happiness. It might also sow seeds of doubt that could later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it genuinely to share a lifetime with someone who is truly appreciated and loved? Many find out to their cost that lack of self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of self-control afterwards. However, it is never possible for two people to be completely compatible in every respect, for they are two separate individuals, each with a distinct soul and personality. If one partner simply tries to dominate the other so as to wipe out the other spouse's personality, tragedy is on the way. One of the biggest dangers of `macho' males is that after a very short period of married life they tend to think of their partners in terms of `wife' or `extension of self', or even `property', and forget that Islam recognizes women as persons in their own right. When husbands on the brink of divorce are interviewed by counselors such as the Relate teams, they frequently realize with a shock that even though they might have been married for years and have perhaps expected their wives to pander to their every whim, they do not have the least idea what their wife's favourite colour, or dress, or hobby is, or who their friends are. They simply never noticed any aspect of their wife that did not specifically relate to them. People are not perfect, of course; we all have shortcomings. A spouse might not be aware of the shortcomings of his or her partner before marriage, but will certainly pick up this awareness pretty soon afterwards. Some marriages virtually die in the honeymoon period, if some awful, unsuspected habit is suddenly revealed in the intimacy of the bedroom. A friend of mine, for example, accepted her arranged marriage quite happily, until she discovered that her new husband had disgusting personal habits, and even threw his meal leftovers out of the window! It proved impossible to cure these shortcomings, so the marriage was swiftly doomed. So, if you love him, but you are irritated by the way he always leaves a mess for others to clear up, never gives you a little gift or remembers important dates, and you find the way he picks his nose or honks out his throat disgusting, he is going to drive you crazy after marriage. And if you adore her, but you wish she didn't witter on quite so much, or talk about you to her friends, or go into sulks and tears at the slightest thing, or cling to you quite so tightly when you are going out - then the gazing at you and talking at you will soon pall, and you'll be off with your friends to get a break from it, only to return later to the tantrums and the tears. If you can see his or her faults, and love him or her anyway (without changes), and are able to live with your irritation - fair enough. But if you know that would be impossible, think twice. Suppose your pet hate was dirty socks, but your man wears them until they stick to the wall if thrown there? I knew such a man. Over twenty years of nagging had no effect on him. Suppose the smell of pipe smoke makes you feel sick? Yes, he may say he'll give it all up for you - but we've all met failed non-smokers before! It is not the shortcomings themselves that make a marriage fail, but the inability to communicate about them, and tackle them, or make allowances for them. Are you flexible enough to make allowances, as you wish allowances to be made for you? Do the good points of your loved one outweigh the bad? Love certainly does cover a multitude of sins; but do you really love that person enough, or were you really only in love with a dream of what you would like your loved one to be, and not the real person, warts and all? Some men and women never give up their `dream lovers', ideals created in their own fantasies. They spend a lifetime hankering after that ideal, or trying to mould the one they have into that ideal. By `mould', we occasionally mean `force'. Either way, it is pretty miserable and insulting for the one whose natural character is being rejected. Sometimes people are `in love with love', and crave the excitement and satisfaction of continual romance. Once the more down to earth partner begins to settle in, they feel taken for granted and starved of affection, and the craving for the fire of fresh love overcomes the domestic cosiness and contentment, which seems so dull by comparison. Their ideal lover would present his or her soul on a plate to them every time they gaze into each other's eyes. They never realise that the dream person does not exist beyond their own fantasies. Consequently, they are always in the `pain' of love, dissatisfied, frustrated lovers, and do not make good marriage material. In Muslim marriage, it is reality that counts. It is foolish not to think seriously about the problems that other people can see, and ignore the wise advice of those who care about you. Those who simply close their eyes and minds to unpleasant details before marriage will certainly have to face them later, when the need to be on best behaviour has gone and both partners are reverting to type. It is vitally important for husband and wife to see the other person as he or she really is, and also to be honest in presenting their true selves to their partners. Marriages based on fantasy, fakery and illusion are doomed.

Turning Sex into Sadaqa

Turning Sex into Sadaqa

Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them.' (Quran, 2:216) They do indeed! This passage of the Holy Quran was revealed in connection with the rights of women following a divorce, but it also has a general sense. One basic right of every person taking on a contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain. Now, every man knows what sexual things please him - but some men, particularly those who have not been married before and are therefore lacking experience, don't seem to know much about how to give the same pleasure to the woman; even worse, some men do know but they can't be bothered to make the effort. Yet this is vital if a marriage is to succeed and not just be a disappointing burden for the woman, and it is a vital part of one's Islamic duty. it is not acceptable for a Muslim man just to satisfy himself while ignoring his wife's needs. Experts agree that the basic psychological need of a man is respect, while that of a woman is love. Neither respect nor love are things that can be forced - they have to be worked for, and earned. The Prophet (s) stated that in one's sexual intimacy with one's life partner there is sadaqa: God's Messenger (s) said: `In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa. 'The Companions replied: `0 Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?' And he said, `Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded.' (Muslim) This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the mere animal level. What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa, that makes it a matter of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by making one's sex life more than simple physical gratification; it is by thought for pleasing Allah by unselfish care for one's partner. A husband that cannot understand this will never be fully respected by his wife. Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or harmful to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between husband and wife, that sincere and devoted love without which they cannot attain happiness and peace of mind. `Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy.' (Quran, 30:21) Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife. However, because nikah is a contract never to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage bond, Islam commands not only the women but the men in this respect, and makes it clear that if a husband is not aware of the urges and needs of his wife, he will be committing a sin by depriving her of her rights. According to all four orthodox jurists, it is incumbent upon the husband to keep his wife happy and pleased in this respect. Likewise, it is essential for the wife to satisfy the desire of the husband. Neither should reject the other, unless there is some lawful excuse. Now, it is fairly easy for a woman to satisfy a man and make herself available to him, even if she is not really in the mood. It is far harder for a man to satisfy a woman if he is not in the mood, and this is where an important aspect of male responsibility needs to be brought to every Muslim man's attention, and stressed strongly. The jurists believed that a woman's private parts needed `protecting' (tahsin). What they meant was that it was important for a Muslim husband to satisfy his wife's sexual needs so that she would not be tempted to commit zina out of despair or frustration. A Muslim wife is not merely a lump of flesh without emotions or feelings, just there to satisfy a man's natural urges. On the contrary, her body contains a soul no less important in God's sight than her husband's. Her heart is very tender and delicate, and crude or rough manners would hurt her feelings and drive away love. The husband would be both foolish and immoral to act in any way unpalatable to her natural temperament, and a man selfishly seeking his own satisfaction without considering that of his wife is a selfish boor. In fact, according to a hadith: `Three things are counted inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting someone he would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before learning his name and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity that another shows to him. And thirdly, going to his wife and having intercourse with her before talking to her and gaining her intimacy, satisfying his need from her before she has satisfied her need from him.' (Daylami) This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife is `a tilth unto you' (Quran, 2:223). The imagery is that of a farmer taking care of his fields. According to Mawlana Abul-Ala Mawdudi: `The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run riot.' (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285) Likewise, in the case of husband and wife, the husband should not just If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly prepared to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished, there could be many psychological and physiological complications leading to frigidity and other abnormalities. Indeed, many husbands eventually become disappointed with their wives, believing them to be frigid or unable to respond to their activities (unlike the sirens on the film or TV screen), and they wonder what is wrong with them. A possible explanation will follow in a moment. Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that man might live with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in unhappiness, frustration and strife. If your marriage is frankly awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and tragic scenario could be regarded by anyone as `half the Faith'. According to a hadith: `Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.' `And what is that messenger?' they asked, and he replied: `Kisses and words.' (Daylami) These `kisses and words' do not just include foreplay once intimacy has commenced. To set the right mood, little signals should begin well in advance, so that the wife has a clue as to what is coming, and is pleasantly expectant, and also has adequate time to make herself clean, attractive and ready. As regards intimacy itself, all men know that they cannot achieve sexual fulfillment if they are not aroused. They should also realise that it is actually harmful and painful for the female organs to be used for sex without proper preparation. In simple biological terms, the woman's private parts need a kind of natural lubrication before the sexual act takes place. For this, Allah has created special glands, known to modern doctors as the Bartholin glands, which provide the necessary `oils'. It is still possible to read old-fashioned advice to husbands that a desirable wife should be `dry' - which is remarkable ignorance and makes one really grieve for the poor wives of such inconsiderate men. Just as no one would dream of trying to run an engine without the correct lubricating fluids, it is the same, through the creative will of Allah, with the parts of the female body designed for sexual intimacy. A husband should know how to stimulate the production of these `oils' in his wife, or at the very least allow her to use some artificial `oils'. This lack of knowledge or consideration is where so many marital problems frequently arise. As Imam al-Ghazali says: `Sex should begin with gentle words and kissing', and Imam al-Zabidi adds: `This should include not only the cheeks and lips; and then he should caress the breasts and nipples, and every part of her body.' (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al Muttaqin, V 372.) Most men will not need telling this; but it should be remembered that failure to observe this Islamic practice is to neglect or deny the way Allah has created women. Insulting a wife with bad marital manners. Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look at his wife, and pay attention to her. If he cannot bring himself to follow this sunna, it is an insult to her, and extremely hurtful. Personal intimacy is a minefield of opportunities to hurt each other - glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong moment, appearing bored, and so on. A husband's duty is to convince his wife that he does love her - and this can only be done by word (constantly repeated word, I might add - such is the irritating nature of women!), and by looking and touching. Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much of the human soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing and treasured thing. Many wives yearn for that gaze of love, even after they have been married for years. If you cannot bring yourself to look at her while paying attention to her, she can only interpret this as a sign that you do not really love her. And even though it may be irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous, most women are deeply moved when a man actually tells her that he loves her. Sex is clean! A modest upbringing is part of good character. The Prophet (s) himself said: `Modesty brings nothing but good'. (Bukhari and Muslim.) But another, also important part of Islamic teaching says that all of Allah's creation is beautiful and pure, particularly when it is part of the body of human beings, who are designed as His deputies upon the earth, In some religions, people traditionally believed that the woman's private parts are in some way unclean, or dirty, or even evil. In the Islamic view this is nonsense - they are simply part of the way Allah created women. To criticise or to dislike this is to criticise our Maker himself, who out of His kindness gave women this equipment and opportunity for the physical expression of love and union. `If the woman is halal for him, he may look at all parts of her body,' (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al-Muttaqin, V, 331) `A husband is permitted to look at the private parts of his wife.' (Khurashi, Sharh Mukhtasar Khalil, III, 4) There is a very relevant ayah in the Quran which says: `If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike something through which Allah is bringing about much good.' (4:19) Anyone who finds his wife's sexual equipment distasteful is insulting her Creator, and ignoring His plan and wise reasons. Sex is not dirty if the couple are not dirty, either physically or in harbouring `dirty' thoughts of self-gratification and the abuse of the spouse. This should not be a problem for Muslims, who have such clear guidance on personal hygiene that their private parts are washed several times a day, which is not the case in any other religion. But in addition to the usual Muslim hygiene, if a man does feel that his wife is dirty, it is a simple matter to exert a husband's right as the boss and give her the order to wash. At the same time, the man has the duty to make sure he is clean himself! Some women feel exactly the same qualms about the cleanliness of a man's private parts as he might do for hers. Don't forget that a man actually does urinate and spend his seed from the same orifice, which is not true for the woman! Her urine comes from quite a different place than the one intended for physical intimacy. It is perfectly possible for a husband to touch a woman's vagina and clitoris, and not touch the part from which urine comes at all. The Blessed Prophet actually recommended regularly removing the pubic hairs- a tricky operation for the woman, but preferable for a clean and stimulating attitude to sexual coupling. If, after taking a shower before sex, and perhaps using a favourite perfume, the man still thinks the woman is dirty or unclean, then he is being ignorant, and unrighteously critical of Allah's creation and intentions, and is neglecting his own duty. What about those wrinkles? A good Muslim does not waste time complaining to the Creator about the physical `bag of tricks' he or she has been given for this lifetime. It is a complete waste of time for a man as thin as a stick to wish that he were a rugby player; or someone with blue eyes wishing they had brown; or someone with ginger hair trying to dye it another colour; or a short person trying desperately to be tall; or an ageing person wishing to be young again, and so on. Although we can sometimes make marginal improvements with great effort; basically we are as we are, warts and all. The amazing thing is that it is not the appearance of our physical bodies that makes our partner love us. Certainly it is true that human beings probably cannot help an instant reaction when they look at another human being for the first time. But even in very materialistic societies, people's looks are often not the reason why they fall in love. They need have little to do with a happy marriage. `A man who marries a woman for her wealth and beauty will be deprived of that wealth and beauty; while the man who marries her for her religion shall receive from God her wealth and beauty too.' (Hadith in Tabarani.) Being unduly concerned about any aspect of one's looks can have a very detrimental effect on a marriage, especially if the person's desire to change something or other in their body overwhelms them and becomes their chief concern. It is the duty of all of us to make the best of what we have; but it is a subtle form of shirk to live in an attitude of complaint to our Creator for what we have been given. O friend, friend! Be neither anguished nor distressed, Surrender to God's Decrees, and you will be praised and rewarded. Be content with what He has ordained and disposed, Do not despise the decree of He Who is the Lord of the High Throne. (Imam al-Haddad) Nevertheless, loving people realise that those they love are often very sensitive about certain things. Having stated that husbands should pay their wives the compliment of actually looking at them, particularly during intimate moments, it also needs to be stated that many women appreciate the cover of darkness, and only feel comfortable being intimate in the dark, when all their `warts and all become invisible. Women are sensitive things - signs of ageing or physical `imperfections', little defects like double chins, rolls of unwanted spare tyre round the belly, all sorts of spots and blemishes, these are just as upsetting to a woman as flapping ears, pimples, the inability to grow hair, being too thin or too short are to the male ego. Sometimes the darkness is kind to us, and loosens up our inhibitions. How can I make my woman happy and satisfied? It is important for men to realise that women are not all the same, but are actually individual living beings. They do not have automatic response mechanisms, but their responses are subtle and are triggered by all sorts of things. Contrary to a very common male myth, the love of a woman for a man has nothing to do with the size or shape of his private parts. Most women do not find the common male fixation with his size at all endearing, and might even be frightened by something they thought was too much for them (even though we all know that babies, some with heads the size of a grapefruit, have to come out of that same channel!). In any case, unless the erect member is less than three inches long it will still be perfectly capable of bringing her to orgasm, since the deeper parts of the vagina are not very sensitive. As regards the man's body, unexpected things like the shape of his arm, the fineness of his hands, the way he stands or walks, his hips, the strength of his legs, the nape of his neck, the fine hairs on his cheek- all these things stir a woman's longing response far more than contemplation of his actual sexual equipment. Basically, what attracts a woman most is a man's manliness. It may even be his awkward shyness, or his cussed determination, or his ability to take command. Certainly, if the man is a good leader and dominant partner, the most wonderful thing about marriage with him will be his ability to `descend from his lofty heights' and actually do and say things for no other reason than to please his wife. The little gift, the bunch of flowers, is a prime example. The woman doesn't actually care tuppence for the flowers - what gives her such wonderful pleasure is the thought that her man has actually taken the time and trouble to think about her. That is certainly one thing that would make her love him, so long as it is done in a Muslim way, and not as a bribe or other sweetener. `Give gifts to each other, and you will love each other.' (Bukhari.) There is a lovely story of the Blessed Prophet listening to eleven women. They all complained about their husbands, but the eleventh one, Umm Zar'a, said: `I have no words enough to praise my husband. He has covered my ears with ornaments, and fed me so well that my lean and thin arms have become plump. In short, he has provided me with everything to keep me happy, and I am happy. I am very lucky ... I talk to him freely and frankly, but he never objects. I sleep comfortably until the morning, and I eat delicious food.' Then the Blessed Prophet said to A'isha: `I am like Abu Zar'a for you!' The importance of kindness to your woman A person embarking on a journey across strange territory will be well advised to consult a map. Similarly, it is a good idea for anyone embarking on marriage for the first time to have a rough idea of what to do and how long to do it for. For a Muslim man contracting nikah, this is a duty. A man getting married can probably already imagine what pleases him, and what it is necessary for him to do or experience, and for how long, for him to achieve satisfaction and a good, restful night's sleep to follow. He already knows that if he is turned on by something, and then is forced to `cool it down', `turn it off', and not be fulfilled, this takes a considerable effort of will, and is not a pleasant business at all. Imagine a hungry cat being shown a plateful of food. Once the food is seen and smelt, the cat goes crazy to have it. You hold the cat back, but the instant you let go, it leaps upon the food. It is perfectly natural for it to do so. Can you imagine how unjust it would be to a female cat if the male was always allowed to finish the meal and eat just as much as he liked, while the female always had the plate snatched away from her after she had just taken a bite at it? Nobody who kept a pet cat would ever dream of making this distinction between their male and female animals. They would see and agree straight away that it was gross cruelty, and totally in opposition to the will of Allah, Who has counseled kindness and consideration to all creatures. But sometimes men do this to their women, and it is a gross dereliction of their duty. Sometimes human beings develop one particular blindness - they forget that they also have a biological nature, male and female, and that all their needs and urges and intuitions are implanted in them by their dear Lord, the Benevolent Creator. As regards sexual fulfillment, if a man knows that he is not going to be able to achieve it, he is likely to make a considerable effort not to let his body become aroused in the first place, or if it is he will probably have worked out some means acceptable to himself of satisfying the urge aroused, even though he may feel unhappy about this. Allah created the sexual urge in us, and it is probably the strongest of all the urges He created. He intended it to be used, and He intended us to form a happy marriage bond with a life partner; so there is nothing wrong whatsoever in thinking through ways of achieving the best in marital happiness. A happy and fulfilled night life leads to better sleep, contentment, a better work routine during the day, confidence, and a whole range of other benefits. It should be obvious that a happy sex life is as much a part of Islam as prayers or fasting! How to help a wife achieve satisfaction, peace and love It is all too easy for a man to be aroused and to charge into sexual intimacy, and, because of his excitement, for it all to be over in a matter of moments. If this is the case, the woman is likely to be frustrated and unhappy, even if she has not the courage or is too polite or shy to say so. If you are a man, and have just read the preceding paragraph, and it suddenly occurs to you that this is indeed what you do, but of course it doesn't apply to your wife - she is perfectly happy - then you would be well advised to stop and scrutinise the evidence. How often does she smile and show her contentment? How often does she hurry to please you in all sorts of little ways? How ungrudgingly does she do the boring and unpleasant chores of family life on your behalf? Given a good, attentive lover, she will do the most menial of tasks for him, cheerfully! But if he lacks attention, she will gradually be worn down by disappointment and resentment, and the whole pleasure of family life intended by God in His mercy towards us will wither away. Some men mistakenly believe that they cannot help being the way they are. In fact, they may have thought it a compliment to their wives that they are able to rouse themselves and fulfill their urges so speedily. This is nonsense. If you read any medical manual on the subject, you will discover that if a male reaches climax in less than three minutes after entering his woman, this is counted as `premature ejaculation' and is thought of as something that one has to make an effort to cure. On the medical level, there are some useful countermeasures for this common problem. Take a look, for instance, at the Islamic herbal remedies listed in Chishti's The Traditional Healer, pages 276 (for impotence), and 278 (for premature ejaculation). Another useful way of solving the problem is to raise the significance of your intimacy by setting aside more time for it, rather than leaving it until last thing at night when you are exhausted. It is worth remembering that the traditional time for sex in many Muslim societies is not the night, but the afternoon siesta. This is not so easy if you are at work on a 9 to 5 job! But perhaps, occasionally, you could go to bed an hour earlier. It is highly insulting to a wife if the only attention she ever gets is an abrupt announcement of her husband's urges, perhaps after he has sat up late watching TV, after which he rolls into bed to get the whole business over with as quickly as possible before he drops off to sleep Similarly, there is no justification for using one's religious devotions as an excuse to deprive a loving partner. According to Abu Sa'd, the Prophet (s) once rebuked the wife of Safwan ibn alMu' attal for being over pious to the detriment of her marriage. She used to read two long suras during her night prayer, keeping her husband waiting; and she fasted frequently without his permission, which made her tired and prevented any opportunity for sex during the day (sexual activity being forbidden while fasting). The Blessed Prophet ruled in favour of the husband, recommending that she limit her recitation to one sura, and only fasted with her husband's permission. Similarly, when the Prophet heard that an ascetic Companion, Abdallah ibn `Amr, was in the habit of praying all night and fasting all day, he told him to moderate his devotions, pointing out that `Your eye has a right over you, your guests have a right over you, and your wife has a right over you.' (Bukhari.) This hadith should be taken seriously. Many Muslim wives in nuclear families know only too well the long hours of loneliness while their husbands are away at the mosque, and how frequently they dawdle with their friends (even if the last prayer is very late), and sometimes fail to come to bed until the wife is already asleep, or is so tired that she is no longer interested! The Blessed Prophet's own practice was not to remain in the mosque or with others after the last prayer of the day, but to leave the mosque and return home. It is a Sunna to sleep quite early, and to rise early as well. If some of the above reads like a comment on your own attitude or activities, then you would do well to examine your conscience! Nobody is suggesting that a normal marriage has to be a constant round of physical gymnastics at every moment of the day - merely that the legitimate needs of both partners must be taken into consideration. A good Muslim woman will do her best to see that her man is happy and content. The good Muslim man must know that he has exactly the same duty towards his wife. Sometimes he fails in this duty simply because he is a selfish man and a poor Muslim (even though he may find time for his five prayers). Sometimes, tragically, Muslim men can fail out of simple ignorance of what their responsibilities entail, and make themselves suffer as well as their wives, quite needlessly. This is not what Allah intended for either of them in their marriage - and with a little effort and knowledge, it could so easily be put right. This is what this final part of my book is all about. If a man is consistently refusing to provide the answer to his wife's du'a for his kind attention he must realise that he will find some awkward questions to answer when he eventually faces Judgment, and the books are opened to reveal all - no matter how shaming! He may have thought of himself as the `best of Muslims', without realising the truth of the words of the Prophet: `the best of you are those who are kindest to their wives and families.' Imagine the shock, at the end of a pious lifetime of prayer and charity, of discovering that you had actually been guilty of cruelty towards your wife all those years, and were now called to account for it! Thankfully, every day is a new day, and it is never too late to make a fresh start and put things right. `A Muslim's repentance is accepted until he gives the death rattle.' (Hadith in al-Hakim, Mustadrak. )