A Sign and Foretaste of Marriage

A Sign and Foretaste of Marriage

`Nikah (marriage) is my Sunna. He who shuns my Sunna is not of me.' (Hadith from Muslim) With these famous words, the Blessed Prophet left his followers in no doubt of his own personal approval of marriage, and, since his way of life was to be `the Quran walking', we know that the sexual relationship really is the will of Allah for His subjects. It is worth stressing this point, for some people have a tendency to turn away from the `things of the flesh', and regard the pleasures of marriage and sexual fulfillment as if they were self indulgent evils! As is well known, the Christian Church has had a tradition of asceticism which encouraged men and women to give up their sex lives in order to concentrate on their prayers and piety. As is also very well known to older people, many ordinary men and women who fall a long way short of sainthood would also like to be able to give up their sex lives too, not for religious reasons but because they have proved so traumatic and disappointing and humiliating. Many people find the whole subject of sex dirty and degrading, and their unfortunate experience so unpleasant and unfulfilling as to reinforce these notions. This is not the attitude to sex revealed to Muslims through the Blessed Prophet (s). There is nothing in Islam which encourages shame of the sexual urge. As Allah Himself has made clear, He has created life forms in pairs, including the human couple. When something is created as one of a pair, it is clearly incomplete without the other. It takes only the most rudimentary knowledge of biology to notice that male and female forms were created to `fit together', like a jigsaw puzzle, and when things are as they should be, the moments when they do so `fit together' are moments of great love, joy and fulfillment. As one of the ulema has affirmed: `Sexual intercourse provides pleasure and energy, it refreshes the soul, banishes sorrow, anger and dark thoughts, and is a prevention of many diseases.' (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al-Muttaqin, V, 371) More than that, Islam teaches that in the act of sexual union and fulfillment there is a sign of Allah's greatness and compassion, and of His relationship with all humanity that turns to Him. `A Muslim man can acquire no benefit after Islam greater than a Muslim wife who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and protects him when he is away from her in herself and in his property.' (Nasa'i) `The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.' (Tirmidhi and Nasa'i) In all these statements the Prophet (s) is addressing men; just as the Quran usually uses grammatically masculine expressions. However, the ulema say that this does not mean that the comments are exclusively meant for the male sex: by extension the same ethos is encouraged in women. Allah has made it quite clear in verse 33:35, for example, that the basic moral instructions of Islam are given to both men and women. The Prophet (s) set a wonderful example of a husband devoted to his womenfolk, and in his case he had more than one wife to consider. He did not marry until the age of 25, and then remained content with the one wife until she died 25 years later. When he was over 50 he married other women, and when he died at the age of 64 his household included many women, who all loved him very much. It is amusing to read the words of eccentric writers who are embarrassed by the thought that the Blessed Prophet could have been a fulfilled and happily married man, insisting that these wives of his middle age were all taken on out of pity and charity, most of them past the age of any interest in a sexual relationship. As it happens, the only wife the Prophet (s) married who we are certain was older than himself was his first wife, Khadija, who gave birth to six of his children when she was already over the age of forty, and who shared his bed and enjoyed the comfort of his arms to the exclusion of all others until she was 65 ! All the other wives, except possibly Sawda, were younger, and their stories will be considered in the next chapter. Sa'id ibn al-Musayyib recorded the Blessed Prophet's opinion of a loving sexual relationship as follows: `When a Muslim man intends to come to his wife, God writes for him 20 good deeds and erases from him 20 evil deeds. When he takes her by the hand, God writes for him 40 good deeds and erases from him 40 evil deeds. When he kisses her, God writes for him 60 good deeds and erases from him 60 evil deeds. When he comes into her, God writes for him 120 good deeds. When he stands up to make the ablution, God boasts of him to the angels and says: "Look at My servant! He stands up on a cold night to wash himself of impurity (janaba) seeking the good pleasure of his Lord. I bear witness to you that I have forgiven him his sins".' (Maybudi, Tafsir 1, 610) The scholar Maybudi goes on to point out the importance of human beings granting their rights to each other. God, as Creator and Sustainer, has rights over all of us, but He so often tempers His divine Justice with His divine Compassion, and so forgives and forgoes His rights. Human beings, on the other hand, are required to be just towards one another, and if they have transgressed against any other person, to realise that Paradise is withheld from them until the claimant against them is satisfied. The Messenger of God (s) once said: "Do you know who is the bankrupt?" and we replied: "The bankrupt among us, O Messenger of God, is he that has neither dirham nor dinar to his name, nor any property." But he said: "The bankrupt of my Umma is he that shall come forward on the Day of Arising with the Prayer, the Fast and the Zakat, but having insulted this person, and abused that person, and having consumed another's wealth, and shed another's blood, and struck yet another. Each one of these shall be given a portion of his good works, and should these be exhausted before his obligation is discharged, then he shall be assigned some of their sins, which will be heaped upon him. Then he shall be cast into Hell."' (Muslim) The Blessed Prophet stressed so often that men must be careful to consider the rights of all Muslims, which includes their women, and not just their male brethren and friends. It is so easy for some husbands to forget that their wives are the people they are perhaps most likely to insult, abuse, consume the wealth of, or strike. Muslim men must not overlook the rights of their wives, or forget that their lapses will be recorded against them in their `Record'. The Prophet (s) taught: `I counsel you to be kind to your wives, for they are your helpers. You have taken them only as a trust from God, making their private parts lawful through a word.' One day Umar ibn al-Khattab said: `O Messenger of God, what should I take from this world?' And he replied, `Let each of you take a tongue that remembers God, a heart that thanks Him, and a wife who has faith.' (Maybudi, I, 613) The Prophet (s) placed a pious and worthy wife next to remembrance and gratitude to God. Imam Maybudi comments that one of the blessings of having a beloved and worthy spouse is that it allows a man more time to be free to engage in the work of the next world. `When you keep to your worship,' he observed, `if a boredom should appear such that the heart is wearied and you should fall behind in worship, looking at her and witnessing her gives intimacy and ease to the heart. That power of worship will then return, and your desire to obey God will be renewed.' The author can bear witness that, as usual, the same applies when a wife can look with love upon a pious husband! For Muslims, the Blessed Prophet is by definition the most perfect human being and the most perfect male. His love for women shows that the perfection of the human state is connected with love for the opposite sex, and this is part of love for God. If we cannot love the beings that we have seen and amongst whom we live, how can we claim to love Him Whom we have not seen, and Who lies beyond our powers of understanding? `Three things of this world of yours have been made beloved to me: Women, and perfume, and the delight of my eye has been placed in the Salat.' (Nasa'i and Ibn Hanbal) Some pious folk fry to insist that the sexual act should only be indulged in for the procreation of children, and not simply because it gives pleasure. This is not what is taught in Islam. In fact, Islam teaches that the joy given in the marital act is a sign of what is to come, a foretaste of the joy of Paradise. This is proved by the fact that the inhabitants of Heaven have sexual relations simply for pleasure, and not for the procreation of children. `They shall dwell forever with what their souls desired.' (Quran, 21:102) `You will not have true faith till you love one another.' (Muslim.) `My love is obligatory for those who love each other for My sake.' (Hadith Qudsi in Malik, Muwatta') `Love for women is one of the things through which God favoured His Messenger (s); for He made him love them in spite of the fact that he had few children. Hence the desired goal was nothing but the marriage act itself, like the marriage act of the people of the Garden, which is strictly for pleasure and not for producing offspring.' (Ibn Arabi, Futuhat, 11, 193) Occasionally, men argue that love of women is sinful because it distracts them from God. But would that which drew him away from God have been made lovable to the Blessed Prophet? Of course not. He loved only that which drew him closer to his Lord! In fact, a good woman is a source of ihsan; she is a fortress against Satan, and helps a man to keep to the Straight Path. The caliph Umar said: `After belief in God, a man can have no better gift than a virtuous wife.' And Ibn Mas'ud used to say: `If I had but ten days left to live, I would like to marry, so as not to meet God as a celibate.' This love that the Prophet (s) bore for women is obligatory for all men, since he is the model of perfection whose sunna it is the duty of Muslims to try to copy in their own lives.

Creating A Bank Balance in Heaven

Creating A Bank Balance in Heaven

`Allah has purchased from the believers their wealth and their souls, so that Heaven might be theirs.' (Quran, 9:111) Marriage is not a bed of roses. Or, at least, if you wish to look at it in such terms, it is a bed of roses with plenty of thorns in it. The rest of this little book is an attempt to shed some light on what makes so many marriages go wrong, so that hopefully, you who are starting out can avoid a few of the pitfalls. The true Muslim is conscious of God at every moment of the day, during every event of life. And He is present with us not only during the grand times, when we are in the limelight, and are patted on the back when we are successful, but also in those far more frequent times when we are slogging away, coping with boredom and frustration at work or at home, and putting up with things we do not really like. He does not only see the things that are done in public, but as al-Basir, the All-Seeing, beholds even the tiniest things that are done behind closed doors. Very many of those private things have to do with marriage and family. It is vitally important for believers to be realistic. It is all too easy for Muslims to read book after book extolling the wonders and virtues of Islamic marriage when the briefest of glimpses into the actual, private state of affairs in some homes can be horrifying. Life amid the stresses of the modem world, particularly in our high-speed cities, places unprecedented strains on relationships. There is no point in being complacent and pointing to the high rate of infidelity and breakdown of non-Muslim marriages - many of the same pressures are starting to bear down on us. Only by remembering the Islamic virtues of compassion, selflessness and consideration, and being aware that we will be judged for every cruelty, can we steer a safe course through the stormy waters of today's social environment. When the Blessed Prophet's wife A'isha, may God be pleased with her, was asked about the Prophet's character (khuluq), she responded that his character was the Quran. His conformity to the enlightened and wise norm of behaviour counseled by God was complete. She knew that there was no detail, however small, of his private life which would show him up in public as practising double standards. But the reality for lesser Muslims often falls far short of this ideal, if their practice of Islam is left behind with their umbrella when they step through the front door on returning home. Muslims should realise that Allah knows not only our actions, but also our thoughts and motives. `He knows the treason of the eyes, and what the hearts conceal' (Quran, 40:19). When people do wrong in secret, and think that they have got away with it successfully - they are wrong! Allah has seen everything they did. Similarly, when people strive to do the right thing, and sometimes get downhearted because they think that nobody has noticed or appreciated what they did - they are also wrong. This is an enormous responsibility for us, and also a great joy; and awareness of it can be the saving of our sanity in a bad marriage. When, sadly, some marriages begin to go wrong, it brings enormous consolation to the `wronged party' to know that God is witness to every aspect of the situation. It can give them just the strength they need to persevere until better times. A good marriage, to the Prophet (s), was not just a case of a man and woman rubbing along reasonably well together. It meant a living, creative and dynamic powerhouse of goodness that would spill over and bless all who came into contact with it. A house was not just a house - it was a place of refuge, of consolation, of peace, of plenty, of provision. A bird could shelter in its eaves, or a lost traveler find shelter within its walls; a wild animal could expect to be fed at its back door, and a tired husband returning from the world outside would be welcomed at the gate. Allah has said that husband and wife should be like `garments' for one another (Quran 2:187). The point of a garment is to give warmth, protection and decency, and in marriage terms this includes intimacy, comfort and protection from being tempted to `look elsewhere'. Garments are not held together by a few big knots, but by thousands of little stitches of thread. It is the continuing accumulation of small words and acts each day of our lives that `clothe' us and reveal what we really are. Some clothing is uncomfortable and restrictive, and we are only too eager to throw it off. We need to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, good humour and patience. Put on the belt of sabr, wind on the turban of tawba, Keep on the shirt of zuhd, and work hard in it! You will not travel without the sandals of fear and hope in God, Nor without the staff called yaqin or the provisions of taqwa (Shaykh Muhammad ibn al-Habib) The marriage, and the home, if organised and run under the eye of Allah Almighty, should radiate certain qualities. A stranger coming to a `submitted' home should feel this atmosphere right away - that no matter how weary the occupants, they are never too busy to be kind. When both partners feel this atmosphere, and observe the happiness and relaxation of their guests as they eat and pray with them, they should know that their marriage is on the right course. For those people who are having difficulties with their marriages, they might like to use a little thought technique to help them get their priorities right, and boost their morale when the road is getting rough. The Holy Quran itself offers the following thought technique as our aid and encouragement when beginning to get depressed, or even when sunk in the depths of despair. `Whatever good you send forth for your souls, you will find it with Allah; for Allah is All-Seeing of what you do.' (Quran, 2:110) Muslims find it helpful to think of the hereafter, and Paradise, as a kind of `heavenly bank', and all the good things you are granted to do as `payments' that are going to be deposited in that bank. `Allah does not permit the reward to be lost of those who do good; nor do they spend anything (in charity), small or great, but that the deed is inscribed to their credit, that Allah may requite their deed with the best possible reward.' (Quran, 9:121) In the Quran, Allah frequently uses this thought picture, talking of either your good deeds or your sins `which your hands send on before you' (see e.g. 2:110, 78:40, 81:14). In other words, if you have done something wrong, then you have indeed brought down your balance - but this is not the end of the world. God will allow you to repay that debt; every time a person genuinely repents of what they did wrong and makes an effort to put it right, the `debt' is repaid. Every time a Muslim turns to Allah and genuinely seeks forgiveness, he or she is forgiven. Sometimes, when the debt proves too overwhelming, He will even excuse you the debt - because God is God, and not a human bank manager. `Had it not been for the grace and mercy of Allah towards you, you would surely have been among the lost.' (Quran, 2:64) Allah ta'ala is far more generous and forgiving than human beings. The important thing is that in trying to live the Muslim life you keep on building up your balance of `good payments' day by day, in the little things you do and think as well as the big ones. That way, when you reach the end of each day and cast your mind back over its successes and failures, you will be able to see how you are moving steadily forward. This becomes vitally important if you marry someone who does not move steadily forward with you. It can happen that a marriage will go wrong - as you have perhaps seen among your friends. Of course, it usually takes two to make an argument, and we all know that few marriages can really break down without there being fault on both sides. But sometimes the fault really is very heavily weighted on one side or the other, and the perplexed partner who is still trying hard to keep the marriage going can become worn down and depressed. If that is happening to you, remember that `Bank Balance in Heaven', and remember also that every time you did not return a bad answer, or pay back evil with evil, a little extra credit gets entered on your record. Every individual is responsible for their own Record. When we face judgment, our `books' will be opened, and we will see straight away what we did with our lives. When we live intimately with another person, it is all too easy to try to mix up our record with that person's, to try and mould them in the way that we believe suits us, to try to make them do what we want them to do. This might work; but as so many married people know to their cost, it works only rarely; and the price can be high. You have to stand on your own, and build your own Record. If your husband or wife does something that hurts you, this bad deed or thought goes down on their record and not yours. `Guard yourselves against a Day when no soul shall avail another, nor shall intercession be accepted for that other, nor shall compensation be taken for it, nor shall anyone be helped from outside.' (Quran, 2:48) What is entered on your Record is how you reacted to that particular test: did you fly off the handle, or consider the truth of the matter with patience and justice? If your reaction was a successful one in the Islamic sense, then the badness of your partner is turned into merit for you - even though you have been hurt. These words from the Holy Quran imply the correct way to conduct your Islamic marriage partnership and household: `Whatever you are given is but an enjoyment for this life; while that which is with God is better and more lasting, for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord. Those who avoid the greater transgressions and shameful deeds, and who, when they are angry, still forgive; those who listen to their Lord, and do establish the Prayer, and whose affairs are settled by mutual consultation among themselves; and who spend (in charity) out of what We bestow upon them; and those who, when an oppressive wrong is inflicted upon them, help and defend themselves. The recompense for an injury is an injury like unto it; but whoever forgives, and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from God. And God loves not those who act unjustly.' (Quran, 42:36-40) When someone wrongs you, you may not be able to put it right, or make them a friend again - but it will be an enormous consolation to know that you have a Friend Who never changes in His concern and justice towards you, and Whose `eye' sees all. Without this awareness, marriage can be difficult indeed. If your main aim in marriage is to please your partner, then you could be heading for disappointment and distress, for human beings are odd creatures with fickle moods and fancies. Many disappointed husbands and wives know that no matter what they do or how hard they try, the partner is never pleased. In fact, quite often the more they do to try to earn that approval, the more it irritates the partner and the less likely they are to get it. Human nature can be that perverse. However, if your main aim is to please Allah, then you will hopefully be able to withstand any `bad patches', maintain your loving relationship with sympathy and patience, and remain confident that He Who sees all will understand everything that comes to pass.

Sexual Problems

Sexual Problems

`The more a woman feels desire, the more she will be desired.' (Ibn Qutayba, Uyun al-Akhbar) `May Allah grant glory and eternal salvation to those who know how to stroke a soft cheek in an accomplished manner, to give a just accolade to a slender waist, and to enter the sweetest farj with a befitting skill!' (Imam al Suyuti, Kitab al-Idah fi ilm al-nikah) There is a widespread belief that the sexual problems of society at large do not exist in the Muslim community - or are at least uncommon. Sadly, the dislocation many Muslim families have experienced over the past generation or so means that this rosy assessment is often misplaced. One such problem is that of husbands who are baffled that sex, which seems very enjoyable to them, does not seem in the least enjoyable to their wives. They begin to wonder what is wrong with them. Has it been their misfortune to marry a frigid woman? Or is it that she simply doesn't care for him at all? It all seems so enigmatic - but then women are a mystery, aren't they? Poor men! The answer often lies in their own ignorance of women's sexuality - and the answers to their mystified questions are really so easy! Those sensual decadent American women on the films do not enjoy sex any more or less than the most chaste of Islamic village maidens - God made their equipment more or less the same. It is what the man learns to do with it that counts. Husbands - it is basically up to you. A Muslim man who has the intention to create a happy marriage should start, as with all things, in prayer, submission to God, and deep thought - not to work out his own will, but to discover the will of his Lord. In fact, the Blessed Prophet recommended that one should always begin sexual intimacy in an atmosphere of prayer. He said: `If, when you approach your spouse, you say: "In the name of God! O Lord God, protect me from the devil, and protect from the devil that which You grant to us", then, if a child is conceived, the devil shall not harm it.' (Bukhari and Muslim.) (The meaning of `not harming it' in this hadith is that the devil shall not overcome it ... no scholar has held that it is to be taken at face value to mean that such a child will never experience any harm, whisperings or temptations from the devil. (Qadi Iyad, Sharh Sahih Muslim.)) Imam Ghazali further suggests that the lovers should begin with Bismillah and Surat al-Ikhlas as a way of increasing the blessing of the sex act. And when approaching orgasm, they should quietly say: `Al-hamdu li'Llah alladhi khalaqa min al-ma'i basharan.' (`Praised be Allah Who has created human beings out of water.') Doctors get asked so often how often one should `perform' per week. This can't be answered. Some people would enjoy intimacy three times a day or more, while others are quite content with once a fortnight, or even less! It all depends how long your sexual activity takes, how much pleasure and satisfaction it gives, and so forth. (It is interesting to note that the caliph Umar reckoned that a woman had the right to sex at least once every four days, while Imam Abu Talib al-Makki added that `if he knows that she needs more, he is obliged to comply.' (Zabidi, Ithaf, V 373.)) However, it has to be said candidly that one reason why men so often feel threatened and dismayed by female sexual hunger and capacity is not that their women are oversexed at all. Whenever women are accused of this, you should suspect male selfishness and/or ignorance! All too often when these men do mate they only gratify themselves and, having seen to their own needs, do not even attempt to bring the woman to climax. Therefore the woman remains `hungry' and unfulfilled, and looks for further opportunity when the man is sated - and thus she gets accused of being oversexed. This is a pitiful but all too common injustice. In any case, the level of an individual's sexual appetite, rather like brainpower, is not the choice of the individual but is largely a matter granted by Allah at His direction. As is well known, the early Muslims regarded sexual prowess and the ability to satisfy a woman as being an essential part of manhood. The niece of A'isha, a scholarly and beautiful woman called A'isha bint Talha, once married the pious Umar ibn Ubaydillah. On their wedding night he made love to her no fewer than seven times, so that when morning came, she told him: `You are a perfect Muslim in every way, even in this!' Such stories are common in our literature. But the only true answer to the question of `how often' for a dedicated Muslim is whatever is right for you as a couple. It is not `whatever is right just for you'! You must consider your wife's needs and feelings, just as you would wish her to consider yours. In the West, this sort of thing is often investigated before commitment to marriage, the idea being that finding a `good' sexual partner before marriage will reduce the possibility of disappointment later. But figures released in 1993 showed that people who had cohabited before marriage were 60% more likely to get divorced than those who had not. In fact, the divorce rate in secular countries proves that the idea of `testing the waters' does not work at all. In any case, Muslims cannot approve of this because our Lord has not sanctioned physical intimacy before marriage. Muslim partners endeavour to get their needs understood and sorted out as soon as they are able to do so, after marriage. But talking is sometimes so difficult. Shy women will very rarely say what they really feel on the subject, either because of natural modesty, or because they fear that their husbands will interpret their words as criticism. They do not want to upset or to hurt their spouses, or make them feel small, or a failure. The price the woman sometimes has to pay for her loving concern for her husband's feelings is a lifetime of `the cat seeing the meal, but having it snatched away each time she starts to eat.' No man who is aware of this, and carries on ignoring it, can be considered a complete and good Muslim. In fact, it is a form of extreme and damaging cruelty. Every man should appreciate that despite some common myths, it rarely takes less than 15 to 30 minutes of specific sexual activity to arouse a woman to a level where her physical satisfaction is in sight. Do not despair - this does not mean that a man has to `perform' for that length of time: although some women might think it would be very nice if he could, others would be horrified at the thought. There are other things that a man has to do. According to Imam al-Ghazali: `When he has come to his orgasm (inzal), he should wait for his wife until she comes to her orgasm likewise; for her climax may well come slowly. If he arouses her desire, and then sits back from her, this will hurt her, and any disparity in their orgasms will certainly produce a sense of estrangement. A simultaneous orgasm will be the most delightful for her, especially since her husband will be distracted by his own orgasm from her, and she will not therefore be afflicted by shyness.' (Ihya, II, 46.) Selfish modern lovers would do well to consider the words of this great Imam, written nine hundred years ago! But suppose a man cannot help rushing to his climax so quickly that his wife gets no pleasure from his intimacy at all? He should not just think about his problem, but take some decisive action. One rather obvious solution (which nevertheless does not always occur to many men) might be to come to climax quickly, as usual, then after arousing his wife for twenty minutes or so while he rests, try again! This would need the wife's consent, for the first quick climax might be painful for her. He should not worry that he may not be able to achieve full satisfaction for himself the second time. He may surprise himself and have no bother at all, or it may be that the unfamiliarity of the sequence prevents him from achieving full satisfaction at all this time - and he may feel ashamed of himself or think that he has failed. This is, incidentally, very often the reason why a man who is not hampered by actual tiredness or lack of opportunity nevertheless does not attempt anything further than his own instant pleasure. He fears that he may fail; and does not realise that his wife will not think of his attempt in the same terms! Never mind if he `fails' or `feels frustrated' this time around -remember his poor wife probably ended up frustrated every time he approached her, if he always ejaculated just when she was warming up! Just think about why he is attempting it - it is not in order to satisfy himself, but just to offer a little more satisfaction to her. Another suggestion that often helps is that the couple overcome their shyness enough for the wife to practise the technique of gently squeezing his penis just below its head, thereby stopping a climax and prolonging the act of intercourse. The same effect will be achieved if the angle of the penis is altered by gently pushing it down towards his legs, almost to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. The husband's excitement can also be reduced by mental effort: he could try thinking about something completely unconnected with sex. Skilled husbands develop the ability to delay their orgasm simply by willpower, by telling themselves firmly that it is too early. In fact, according to Imam al-Zabidi: `Some strong men control themselves so perfectly that they have their orgasms only when they wish. What can one say about them, other than "Allah gives what He will to whom He will!"' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 373.) Needless to say, this rare achievement requires plenty of practice. A life with plenty of spiritual effort and prayer will help to provide the essential discipline here. There is a physiological solution which can be used in conjunction with these techniques. This can be found in traditional Islamic medicine, which prescribes a range of natural remedies to increase female sexual enjoyment and thus speed up the onset of orgasm. (See Chishti's Traditional Healer, 285-93.) The most usual popular alternative is for the husband to bring his wife to climax by caressing. This needs sensitivity and judgment, for often the wife really is not in the mood, or is in pain, or is too tired for sex, in which case her husband's normal quick sexual act will be sufficient. Some inexperienced husbands do not realise that many women cannot reach climax at all unless the man caresses them. The man has to be able to touch his wife intimately with his hand. For some women, this is the only way they can reach fulfillment. The husband (who usually is very well aware that the woman does have a clitoris, even if he is not quite sure what to do with it!) has to realise that just to press down on it with some part of his anatomy, like his foot curled around her, or pressure from his knee, is not enough. Most men usually understand quickly the techniques of stimulating the female breasts, and especially the nipples, with kisses or with their fingers, an act which is an effective but supplementary means of helping the wife towards inzal. Imagine trying to caress her breast with a foot or knee! Exactly the same applies to the clitoris. It is a much more sensitive area, should be treated with great care, and if it is caressed properly (a matter worked out by practice and communication with the wife) it will usually bring the woman to readiness, or to climax, very quickly. Men need to remember, of course, that if they are caressing their wives in the wrong way or in the wrong place, it will hurt rather than cause them pleasure. So care, sensitivity, communication and practice are vital here. While some people may at first dislike using their fingers, it should be emphasized that there is no Islamic objection to it. Imam Abu Hanifa was once asked about a husband's touching the private parts of his wife, and vice versa, and he replied: `There is nothing wrong with that, and I hope that their reward will be great.' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 331.) Once this is mastered, it is also worth knowing that most women also have a third very sensitive area (the `G-spot') inside the vagina - not deep inside, but a few centimeters in on the upper wall. This is one reason why the size of a man's penis is not particularly important for a woman - very few experience much sensation in the depths of their vaginas, near the womb. The G-spot always gives great pleasure if caressed with the fingers, or if the penis is angled in the right direction. When the wife shuffles about during sex, this may be because she is trying to get you into the right position for this. To find the G-spot, insert the forefinger into the vagina and rest the fingertip on the front wall, about two thirds of the way along the vagina towards the cervix. You should feel a small configuration of muscles that are able to resist firm but gentle pressure. Finding the G-spot can greatly enhance the woman's sexual pleasure and enable her to experience much quicker and more intense orgasms. This could be one reason why the Prophet (s) defended a man's right to `come to his tilth' from behind, for that position often gives the woman far more pleasure than face-to-face. But there are many other positions which have been recommended by the ulema. These include the `scissors', where the husband and wife are at an angle to each other. Some people enjoy the `woman on top' position, where she either faces the husband's face and shoulders, or faces away from him. Any position that enables the husband to touch his wife's pleasure zone with his fingers at the same time as he is within her will bring her far more satisfaction - and face-to-face with the woman beneath is the one position where such caressing becomes very difficult. It should be obvious that people's shapes should be taken into account in finding the best position. If a man is thin, he probably cannot even imagine the problems faced by his stouter fellow. The man has to fit himself comfortably into the shape of his wife's hips in order to connect well. If he is a large boned man, or inclined to be fat, the straightforward face-to-face position is not going to be at all satisfactory for either of them, and could actually be painful for the woman. They should try some of the other ways of coming together. Bear in mind, too, that if the wife is shy about her breasts, she is going to be very shy indeed about her even more private areas, and for a man to overcome his feelings and then gently deal with her shyness is all part of being an intelligent and successful Muslim husband. As we pointed out earlier, it is obvious that the husband should not leap into action with full force and expect her instant capitulation if not ecstasy, as is so frequently depicted in films. X-rated movies, although they show complete nudity and the sex act in shocking detail, do not actually show real or realistic sex. That would be boring - remember it takes the average woman more than fifteen minutes to get anywhere. Remember that the actresses are not 'reallife'; they are not portraying the realities of married life - they are `prostitutes of the eye', whose business is fantasy and not reality. Women are extremely sensitive and tender, and the husband will only hurt her and be pushed off, or at best be `tolerated' and not `enjoyed', if he is rough and abusive. Gently does it! Start in first gear, not fourth. If a husband goes slowly and with reverence for the Muslim woman he loves, and then increases his fervour, he will soon be gratified to see her happy response - and what a difference this will make to the marriage! Some men go through their entire married lives being gross and clumsy, and never discover that making love is quite a talent. As a result, they have never enjoyed the experience of making love to a fully aroused woman. When a woman is fully aroused, she cannot control the exciting movements, known as qabd, made in her vagina. Some men never find this out - a terrible and needless tragedy. We saw above that many women need specific caressing by hand to their erogenous zones to continue right through the entire act of lovemaking if they are to achieve inzal. This may involve some minor sacrifice and discomfort for the husband, if he cannot work himself around to some satisfactory position, and especially if he is being overwhelmed by his own climax. Don't worry! No woman actually expects her man constantly to be on the lookout for her own gratification all the time, for that would be just as selfish as the man never thinking about it. This is something that will be worked out gradually between the couple. A Muslim husband will make it his business to find out what she likes, and if possible, to carry on doing it rights through his own climax. The most beautiful and exciting sexual relationship comes when a couple have practised and know each other so well that they can reach climax at the same time, even though this takes considerable skill. If for some reason this cannot be managed, then the man should carry on doing what she likes afterwards, even after his inzal is complete, until she has caught up. More gratifying for him in many ways is the technique of bringing her to climax first, before he himself lets go. We have already seen the importance which Imam al-Ghazali attached to the simultaneous orgasm, and that `he should not satisfy his need from her before she has fulfilled her need from him'. But whatever happens, once the husband has reached his climax he should not just leap away and charge off to the bathroom leaving her in abject despair, hypertension and shock! To reach climax together is something that takes considerable practice and expertise, and some couples never achieve it properly in a lifetime together. However, Imam al-Ghazali was raising a very important point when he mentioned the wife's shyness if the husband was satisfying her after achieving his own inzal: it is only natural for the man immediately to lose all interest in sex and want to go off to sleep, so the poor wife feels that in order to claim her Islamic right she has to irritate him, and make him impatient with her. Once disturbing thoughts like these enter her head, it only delays the orgasm even more, and perhaps prevents it altogether, thereby producing real psychological harm. Hence the very sad but common situation of wives who are too kind or tactful towards their husbands' feelings actually faking their orgasms, and then becoming so frustrated that they indulge in lonely masturbation behind his back. However hard she may try, disappointment and resentment will be hard to avoid - and these are two of the most powerful marriage killers in the devil's arsenal. Most married women know only too well how difficult and embarrassing it can be to try to request physical satisfaction from a tired husband who has just satisfied himself, and who then instantly turns over and drops off to sleep, perhaps blithely and ignorantly assuming that what he has just done has satisfied her. (`We've had sex, haven't we? Aren't you ever satisfied?') Many wives find themselves totally unable to get their men to understand the true state of affairs. Many men do not seem to realise that very few wives can achieve any physical satisfaction from the simple animal act of placing the penis in the vagina alone. Allah simply did not make them that way. It may be enough for a man, but it is almost never enough for a woman. It should be obvious that if Allah had simply intended that that should sum up the sex act, He would not have created the rest of the female equipment. On its own, the vagina almost never brings satisfaction, unless the man can hold out for a very long time indeed - which is a rare accomplishment. This means that if a man is not strong enough to conquer his shyness about touching his wife, his modesty, far from being a virtue, actually becomes a direct cause of marital cruelty. Another way of increasing the wife's frustration is for the couple to lose contact, or for the man to `come out' and be spent outside his wife's body, or for the man to seek his satisfaction without placing his penis in the wife's vagina at all. This might be one way of managing contraception, but it is extremely frustrating for the woman, and is another destroyer of marital enjoyment and harmony. The Blessed Prophet said it should only be done with the wife's permission. If a man does deliberately ejaculate outside a woman's vagina (some men enjoy this), he should realise that this is not full intercourse, and may not grant the wife any satisfaction at all -even though she has accepted it and is eager to please him! The purpose of Nikah is lost if the spouses fail to satisfy in each other the natural hungers that Allah has created. The legal aspect of `coitus interruptus' (withdrawal before ejaculation) in the revealed law is fairly complex. The Hanbali school reckons that a man does not need his wife's permission, on the assumption that she does not have the automatic right to his ejaculation; nevertheless, Ibn Qudama al-Maqdisi, the most 'hardline' of this school, still maintains that obtaining her permission is preferable for the sake of amity. The Hanafis reckon that the woman has to give permission, except when times are very hard so that any children conceived are likely to be in for a miserable existence, in which case the husband is allowed to use contraception without her permission. The Maliki school actually allows the wife to demand and receive monetary compensation as the price of her permission! The Shafi'is hold that the woman's consent may be sought as a precondition for the marriage contract, after which she cannot complain. Finally, good adab is also necessary after lovemaking. This is something that is particularly important for the husband to remember, if he wishes to have a happy wife. Remember that his basic need is for respect, while hers is for love. Just as a man would hate to be laughed at for sexual inadequacy, so a woman hates to be `used' and then set aside without a word of love. The correct Islamic manners for a husband are to lie with his arms round his wife for some moments, after checking her happiness, telling her that he loves her, and in his heart thanking Allah for his happiness and good fortune. Conclusion Once sex has become a chore and a duty, the marriage is well on its way to being dead. If the man's efforts actually cause the woman pain or distaste, she will soon avoid any intimacy at all, and will use any excuse to get out of it. Headaches, weak heart, rheumatism - you name it, she'll have it. In fact, a real sexual relationship is so good for you it would help to heal all these conditions, since it is good healthy activity that raises the heart rate and stimulates the lungs, and takes the mind off disturbing problems and brings spiritual wholeness, serenity and contentment. The considerate Muslim man soon learns how to make his wife happy, and in doing so, refuses to get anxious and overwrought about his own performance. A good Muslim wife will never despise a husband for his physical equipment or lack of expertise, so long as he is loving and considerate towards her. And if they married as virgins, there will be no unfavourable comparisons for either of them to make.! If a good Muslim marriage is to be sadaqa for the spouses and pleasing in the eyes of God, it is no use one partner seething with frustration and then finally cracking up. Both of them should try to find gentle ways of supplying `feedback' to the other - not to be interpreted as criticism, dissatisfaction or hostility (which is what it becomes if left to ferment for too long), but as the only way to learn and grow together, as sanctioned and willed for us by Allah. May Allah forgive this author for raising topics that are sensitive and private, and discussing them in a way that some might think incorrect and distasteful. But we know that many Muslims nowadays are asking about these matters, and it is the Sunna to make useful knowledge known, whatever it might be. Allah ta'ala decreed that creation should be set up in pairs complementing each other in harmony, and wished only happiness and peace for us. Therefore, we should all make it our jihad to create happy and fulfilled marriages, in the sight of Him in Whose `hand' lie our souls. May everything we do be pleasing to Him, and may He bless us and bring us to fulfillment, serenity and completion. Amin.

A Short A to Z of Marriage

A Short A to Z of Marriage

`The quest for knowledge is every Muslim's duty.' (Hadith from Ibn Maja) `You will not have faith until you love one another.' (Hadith from Muslim) ABANDONMENT. A major sin. Imam al-Ghazali records: `It is related that if a man runs away from his family, Allah will not accept his prayer or his fasting until he returns home.' ABORTION. The Prophet (s) believed that every conceived child had a right to life, and there are strong Quranic ayats against the killing of children. `Do not slay your children for fear of poverty. We provide for you and for them.' (6:151) Every human being has a living soul, and should be loved, respected, and have his or her proper place in a family. Muslim jurists are of the unanimous view that after the foetus has been given a soul by Allah, it is forbidden to kill it. An unborn child has legal rights, depending whether it was formed and showing signs of independent life. If it was, and if someone hurt a pregnant woman and she miscarried, full diya (blood compensation) has to be paid, just as for an adult person. A foetus can also inherit. The janaza prayer is performed for a `formed' foetus, and it is given a name. If the foetus is not `formed', janaza is prohibited. The majority of jurists are of the opinion that the soul does not enter the body of the unborn baby until the time it is `ensouled' (nafh al-ruh), which is in the sixteenth week of pregnancy; and if an abortion is absolutely necessary, it has to be performed before that time. The Hanafis permit abortion until the end of the fourth month. Others, particularly the Maliki scholars, feel that the matter of when the soul enters the foetus is unproven, and therefore prohibit abortion absolutely. The Hanafis grant women the right to an abortion even without the man's permission, but urge that this not be done without genuine and pressing reasons. After `ensoulment', abortion is only allowed if the pregnancy will endanger the mother's life, the principle being that the real life of the mother takes precedence over the potential life of the unborn child. A casual attitude to abortion has developed in a few countries, where it is often used routinely whenever contraception fails, but it is now increasingly realised that many women who have abortions in order to solve one problem end up with psychological problems later on as the result of the guilt and sadness of destroying their unborn child. ABSTINENCE. Sometimes a couple decides to live without sex for a period of time. This is not generally advisable in a marriage, because if can lead to a range of inhibitions and problems. If both parties wish to rest from sex, then that is their business. Both partners have to agree, of course, as the Shari'a forbids either to renounce sex without the other's permission. There is a danger, however, that marital relations may not start up again, and the man and wife may be attracted to others. Islam is alert to the need to prevent adultery, and therefore sees abstinence as encouraging a temptation that is unnecessary. `Allah desires ease for you, and He does not desire hardship for you.' (Quran, 2:185) There is a hadith of Salman al-Farisi to Abu'1-Darda', whose wife had begun to neglect herself because she was so depressed by her husband's lack of care for her: `Allah has rights over you, and so do your wife and children. So try to fulfill all these rights. The fulfillment of one duty should not cause the negligence of others.' When the Prophet (s) was informed about this, he said that Salman was right. (Bukhari.) See also `Celibacy'. AGE. It is generally best if the husband is older than his bride, because women seem to mature more quickly, and also because he will be better able to support her financially. As far as the sex drive goes, this diminishes far less quickly with age than is commonly imagined. Sexual activity will continue well into the sixties and even seventies, provided that the couple have developed an active and varied sex life from early marriage, and have taken steps to avoid getting bored. AIDS. This terrible disease is transmitted sexually, or through the sharing of hypodermic needles. Most victims are homosexuals, but it is now spreading among the heterosexual population as well, and some unfortunate children are being born with it. The only protection is to go into your marriage without previous illicit sexual contact, and to remain faithful to your partner. The Blessed Prophet remarked: `Never does immorality appear among a people to the extent that they make it public, but that there shall appear among them plagues and agonies unknown to their forefathers.' (Malik, Muwatta') It is hardly necessary to remark that men and women who have come to (or come back to) Islam from a promiscuous background should have an AIDS test before they get married. For some palliatives for AIDS in Islamic medicine, see Chishti, T ANAL INTERCOURSE. Some people find this gratifying, although most women do not, and are grateful that the Prophet (s) spoke out strongly against it. Abu Hurayra reported that he said: `Do not approach women from the anus.' (Tirmidhi.) `Allah will not look at the face of he who has committed sodomy with his wife.' (Ibn Maja.) This practice still seems to be quite common in some societies, and is a very traumatic thing for a woman to be forced to submit to. It has been used as a method of contraception, of not spoiling a girl's virginity, or as a novel method of intercourse in a tighter `channel' than the vagina. According to the Hanbali scholar Ibn alQayyim: `It is the right of the wife that her husband should have natural sexual relations with her. By committing sodomy he deprives her of her right, and also fails to satisfy her sexual desire ... She was not created for this dirty act. Hence all those who avoid the natural course and indulge in unnatural means have ignored the wisdom of Allah and His Shari'a.' (Ibn al-Qayyim, Zad al-Ma'ad) Incidentally, it should be made clear than when the Prophet (s) sanctioned `intercourse from behind', he did not mean anal intercourse, but vaginal intercourse from behind. But there is nothing wrong with enjoying the areas nearby. Imam Zabidi says: `To enjoy the backside without entering the rectum is permissible, because with that exception, all parts of a woman's body may be enjoyed by the husband.' (Ithaf al-Sada al-Muttaqin, V 331.) ARBITRATION (tahkim). In cases where the spouses seem unable to resolve a dispute, it is useful to put it to arbitration. The Holy Quran explains how this is to be done: `If you fear a split between the two of them, then appoint an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family. If they wish for reconciliation, then Allah will reconcile them. For Allah was ever Knowing, Aware.' (4:35) ARRANGED MARRIAGE. A good thing if all parties are happy with the match. It is not permissible in Shari'a for a woman to be married against her will. A'isha, may Allah be pleased with her, once asked the Prophet (s) whether a family who wished to marry off a young girl should ask her permission, and he said: Yes, her permission should be sought.' (Muslim.) Imam Nawawi: `The woman has a right over herself concerning marriage, and her guardian has a right over her concerning marriage; but her right takes precedence over his. If he wishes to marry her to someone of a proper background, and she refuses, then she cannot be compelled; while if she wishes to marry someone who has a proper background, and her guardian refuses, he will be compelled to submit to her wishes; and if he persists in his refusal, the qadi is authorised to give her away in marriage in his stead.' BEATING. See under `Corporal Punishment'. BODY ODOURS. Underarms, underpants, and feet. Keep them sweet. See `Cleanliness'. BREASTS. An important erogenous zone (see Chapter 10). If they get sore, rub in `Masse' cream, available at any chemists. BREATH. Some people have an awful problem here, especially smokers and pan chewers - and they may not realise it. First thing in the morning is another dangerous time for bad breath. All married Muslims have a duty to make themselves as palatable as possible for their spouses. Newlyweds might like to keep a packet of mints under the pillow, to be sucked on waking. Keep a miswak handy, and use it regularly. Smokers, especially pipe smokers, should do something about their breath before they attempt to have sex. Islam strongly condemns smoking anyway, and getting married would be a good opportunity to give it up! CELIBACY. The Sunna of the Prophet (s) was marriage, and he regarded total celibacy as unnatural and against the will of Allah. Anas ibn Malik recorded the case of a man who decided that all troubles were caused by marriage, and so instead of marrying he would pass his life in prayer. When this came to the attention of the Prophet (s), he said: `By Allah, I keep nafl (optional) fasts, but I also discontinue them; I pray at night, but I also sleep; I also marry women - and this is my sunna. Whoever shuns my sunna is not of me.' (Bukhari.) `O young people! Whoever among you is capable of sexual intercourse should marry, for that is more modest for the gaze and safer for the private parts; and whoever cannot, should fast, for that is a form of castration.' (Muslim) A'isha recorded that he said: `Nikah (marriage) is my sunna, and he who shuns my sunna is not of me.' (Muslim) `Anyone who refuses to marry is shirking his farm-work, wasting the seed, and leaving idle the appropriate tools created by God; he sins against the purpose of creation and the wisdom visible in the evidence of natural structure. The man who refuses to marry has severed a chain of being, a previously unbroken chain linking his own existence to that of Adam.' (al-Ghazali) A bachelor once asked Imam al-Ghazali: `Which should I choose: marriage, or total devotion to God? 'Both', he replied. It is related that after his death, the pious bachelor Bishr al-Hafi appeared to someone in a dream, and was asked: `How has God treated you? 'I have been given a high rank in the Garden of Paradise,' he said, `and was allowed to look upon the stations of the Prophets; yet I never attained to the ranks of the married.' When asked what had become of Abu Nasr al-Tammar, he replied: `He has been raised seventy degrees above me.' People were surprised, and asked how this could be, and he answered: `He earned that by his patience with his little daughters and his family burdens.' Celibacy of the unmarried is to be solved by marrying someone suitable as soon as possible, in the light of one's financial circumstances, while widows and divorced people should try to remarry. CHILDREN. These should always be welcomed and wanted. It is irresponsible to bring into the world children who will be hurt because they are not wanted. This is one of the things you have to think most carefully about even before you get married, because it is all too easy to get pregnant very quickly, even on the wedding night, and your families may well put pressure on both of you to do this. See `Contraception'; and also the texts by Silma Buckley and Dr. Alia Schleifer mentioned at the end of this book. CIRCUMCISION (khitan). According to some madhhabs, this is not completely obligatory for adult male converts, but it is nevertheless a very strong sunna. An uncircumcised penis quickly accumulates smelly material under the foreskin, and medical studies have indicated a connection between failure to circumcise and cancer of this organ. `Female circumcision' of the type practiced by some people in Somalia, Egypt and some other African countries is a mutilation forbidden by Islam. CLEANLINESS. This is one of the basic aspects of Islam, and has been likened to half the faith. (Hadith in Ibn Hanbal.) It is certainly vital to marriage, as we saw in Chapter 10. The Blessed Prophet recommended ten things as being part of the fitra: `Cutting the hair close on the lips, letting the beard grow, using the miswak for the teeth, cleaning out the nose, paring the nails, washing out the base of the fingers, removal of the hair in the armpits and pubic areas, washing the affected parts after a call of nature, and the rinsing of the mouth.' (Muslim.) Some people need reminding of the obvious point of adab that not all of these cleansing activities should be done in public. People who have shaved off a large amount of hair in the bath or shower should remember that it can clog the drains. The Prophet's preferred method of disposal of haircutting's and nail parings was burning or burial, since these are part of the human body, and should not be discarded with ordinary filth and rubbish. See also `Washing' below. COIL. See I.U.D. COITUS INTERRUPTUS. Some people use azl - `coitus interruptus' (the male withdrawing from the female just short of climax) as a form of birth control. It is very unreliable. The Blessed Prophet allowed it as a method of contraception, but only with the wife's permission. Some men practised it when their wives were suckling children, so as not to risk impregnating them again to the detriment of the baby. Others used to practise it when their wives were pregnant, superstitiously fearing to harm the unborn child (in fact, there is no evidence that sex during pregnancy is dangerous). Usama narrated that a man once came to the Prophet (s) and said: `O Messenger of God, I withdraw from my wife during sexual intercourse.' The Prophet (s) asked why, and he said that it was that he might not harm the child. The Prophet (s) replied: If there was any truth about harming the child, the people of Persia and Byzantium would suffer the same harm.' (Muslim.) The Caliph Umar said it should never be done without the wife's permission; and the scholars hold that this applies to all forms of contraception. CONDITIONS (shurut). When a man marries a woman he takes upon himself certain conditions as duties, of which the Shari'a specifically mentions kindness, financial maintenance, clothing, sex and accommodation, all in accordance with the woman's background and normal expectations. If he fails to comply, he is sinning and the wife can take him to an Islamic judge to force him to mend his ways. If she lays down additional conditions for her marriage before the actual ceremony takes place, he must honour these also, as long as they do not invalidate any Islamic principle. According to the madhhab of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, the bride can make it a legal condition of the marriage that the husband will not take a second wife. (Nawawi, Sharh Sahih Muslim, IX, 202.) `The condition most deserving to be honoured is that through which you make private parts halal for you. (Hadith in Muslim.) CONDOM. If you are using these as your only method of contraception, remember that they easily split, burst or slip off, and there is quite a high rate of accidents. If you really don t wish to conceive, use a spermicide as well, or some other halal contraceptive. CONTRACEPTION. This is important if you do not want twenty children! There are numerous methods, and you should consult your doctor for advice. Islam is not against any method of contraception that prevents the conception of a child, but it is against destroying a foetus once it has life. Choose a method that suits both partners, not just one of you. Contraception should always be done after consultation. If the wife chooses to go `on the Pill', remember that there are sometimes side effects, and that it is not always advisable to take a drug over a long period of time. Taking the Pill is often recommended for new wives because it is relatively safe and foolproof, but doctors often recommend taking a break from it after a couple of years. Some varieties of the Pill are not permissible in the view of those madhhabs that regard all abortion as sinful, as they cause the fertilised egg to be dislodged and lost, which is a kind of early abortion. `Morning after' pills are of this type, killing the embryo after fertilization has taken place. Taking the body temperature regularly can indicate the times when ovulation is most likely; and avoiding these times is the most natural method of contraception. However this `rhythm' method is notoriously unreliable - and because of its favour among Catholics it has been nicknamed `Vatican Roulette'. Remember, too, that most women feel most sexual desire at the very time when they are ovulating, so other means must be taken if they are to have a satisfactory sex life. CONTRACT. An Islamically-valid marriage requires the fulfillment of five obligatory conditions: (1) the consent of the guardian (or in his absence, or unjust refusal, the qadi); (2) the consent of the man and the woman; (3) the agreed-upon dower (mahr); (4) two Muslim witnesses of good character (shahiday adl); (5) an `offer and immediate acceptance' (ijab wa-qubul) using the word `marriage' or `wedding'. Practices which are sunna but not obligatory are: (1) the engagement proposal (khitba) made earlier to the guardian or in his presence; (2) the religious speech (khutba) before the marriage; (3) the bride and groom should see each other and learn about each other before consent is given; (4) friends and relations should attend the ceremony; (5) the couple should intend `upholding the Sunna, preserving modesty and seeking offspring'; (6) the ceremony should ideally take place in the local mosque and during the month of Shawwal. CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. The Prophet (s) did not forbid a man from giving instructions to his wife, as long as these were in accordance with Islam, or from giving his wife some form of physical discipline - even though he himself never struck any of his wives. However, this did not mean that a husband was allowed to beat his wife for things like burning the dinner, or forgetting something she should have done, or simply because he was in a foul mood! There is one Quranic verse that grants husbands permission, but it states that this is only in cases where they genuinely fear nushuz (`rebellion', which in this context means treating the husband with arrogance and refusing the marital bed as a permanent principle, not just the odd occasion when the woman might have been ill). `Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, through that in which Allah has given one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear rebellion, (first) admonish them, (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them; but if they return to obedience then do not seek against them any (further) means.' (Quran, 4:34) The Prophet referred to this verse in his Final Sermon. He said: `Hear me well! Treat your women kindly, for they resemble prisoners in your hands ... if they are guilty of flagrant misbehaviour, you may remove them from your beds, or beat them, but do not inflict upon them any severe punishment! Then, if they obey you, do not seek against them any (further) means. Hear me well! You have your rights over your wives, and they have their rights over you!' The idea of punching or beating up a woman was totally repugnant to the Blessed Prophet, and belonged to the attitude towards women shown in the time of Jahiliya, or of societies where the consumption of alcohol was widespread. The hadiths tell us that he laughingly suggested that if a husband was obliged to spank his wife, he should use a miswak, the soff stick which Muslims use to clean the teeth (Tabari, Baghawi) or even a handkerchief (Razi). A balance has to be struck between being a responsible male caring for a partner's earthly life and eternal fate (in trying to make her do the right thing), and allowing her the freedom to be herself -for in the end, her fate will be of her own making. It is obvious that when this permission was abused by violent men, the Prophet was very quick to listen to the complaints of the wives and rebuke the husbands. Ibn Sa'd, for instance, comments that `the Prophet (s) had always persisted in his opposition to the beating of women. And men came to him to complain about their women; then he gave them permission, but said: "I cannot bear to see a quick-tempered man beat his wife in a fit of anger."' (Ibn Sa'd.) The Prophet (s) also said: `How can any one of you beat his wife as he might beat a camel, and then expect to embrace her at night?' (Bukhari and Muslim.) According to other hadiths, he appears to have forbidden the beating of women completely: `Do not beat Allah's handmaidens! ` (Abu Daud, Nasa'i, Ibn Maja, al-Hakim.) Put together, all these sources suggest that beating, if it has to be done at all, should be a last resort to punish a wife for some major sin, such as adultery. It is the final manifestation of the husband's authority, not the first; a deterrent aimed at holding the marriage together. DAUGHTERS. In some Muslim cultures influenced by non-Islamic traditions, these are welcomed less than sons. This attitude is condemned by Allah. Islam criticises the pre-Islamic Arabs by saying: `When one of them receives the good news of [the birth of] a female, his face remains darkened, and he is angry within. He hides himself from the people because of the evil of that of which he has been given good news: Shall he keep her in contempt, or bury her beneath the earth? Evil indeed is their judgment.' (Qur'an 16:58) `A man who has three daughters, and who maintains them and treats them well until God makes them independent of him, to him God will grant the Garden irrevocably, irrevocably, unless he commits an act which is unforgivable.' (Hadith from Khara'iti) `A man should not be too overjoyed at getting a boy, or unduly sad when he is given a girl, ,for he cannot know which of them will turn out to be the greater blessing for him. How many fathers of sons wish they had had none at all, or girls instead! In fact, girls give more peace, and the reward they bring from God is more bountiful.' (AlGhazali) DOMINANT MALES IN BED. Most women rather like their men to be dominant, so long as they know they will not be forced to do anything they would not wish to do. Many wives enjoy quite `rough' sexplay, being `forced' (in a pretence situation) to comply with a husband's wishes - it can be quite flattering! Some even enjoy being spanked if `naughty'. However, remember that other women would not like this at all. It is not safe to assume that when your wife says `No' she really means `Yes'. Every man has the right to be the leading partner in his marriage, and there are few women who really appreciate `soft' men, although they may never care to admit the fact! However, men should always be very careful to observe where to draw the line, and never hurt their wives. There is always a difference between fun and cruelty, and Islam has no place for torture and abuse. DOWRY. In the Subcontinent, the practice of giving dowries to the bridegroom or his family is on the increase among Muslims, but this habit is hardly known elsewhere in the Islamic world, and is almost certainly a borrowing from Hinduism. According to the Sharia, it is the man who has to give a wedding-gift, not the other way around, the idea being to make him take the marriage seriously, and to provide her with some financial security. The practice of the Companions was to hand this mahr over at the time of the marriage itself. See also `Weddings' below. DRY PARTS. A frequent cause of painful intercourse in women, and hence of marital stress. It can be caused by nervousness, illness, or inadequate foreplay. Lubricants such as `KY jelly' can be bought over the counter in any chemists. EGO (nafs). This is the biggest problem of all. Nothing in Islam is easy until the lower and selfish desires of the nafs are under control. Happiness and fulfillment in marriage come about through making sacrifices for the sake of spouse and children; and such sacrifices will be painful and perhaps even impossible if one's own ego regularly wins its battles against mind (aql) and spirit (ruh). There are many ways of controlling and weakening the nafs. The first is observing its activities, and cutting down on things it is strongly attached to, such as laziness, suspicion, or even certain types of food or TV programmes. Fasting can be a real help here. It is also important at the end of every day to think back over one's actions, and consider how to rectify obvious faults and acts of selfishness. Saying each prayer at the beginning of its time, and regularly reciting the Holy Quran and any wird or wazifa you may have, will also help to grind down the ego, and replace its darkness with light and ease in the heart. `And as for him who fears the standing before his Lord, and forbids his nafs its whim, assuredly the Garden shall be his place of refuge.' (79:40) FANTASIES. Almost everyone has these. Sexual fantasies in dreams are not sinful, just the workings of an active imagination. No one could be held to blame for the content of their dreams, since this is out of their control. They are only harmful if they become a major part of your waking life so that they damage your partner, or turn into an obsession that makes a normal relationship difficult. A good Muslim will obviously try to live in reality, rather than in a fantasy. He or she will try to avoid consciously fantasising about something that is forbidden in Islam, even though thinking about doing something but not doing it is not considered a sin. Fantasies can sometimes prove useful as mental stimulants when a marriage is growing stale. But it is not always a good idea to reveal your fantasies to your partner - they could well have a good laugh at your expense, or, alternatively, feel threatened by them if they think that the spouse is getting bored or disappointed. FATHERHOOD. This usually comes as a shock the first time round. Couples are often unprepared for the sheer exhaustion, if they are not in an extended family situation which can ease the strain. Babies cry a lot, need feeding at night, and so on. Things are never the same again - you cannot put the clock back. To make matters worse, babies often come along just at the time when the husband is trying hard to get on at work. Although these days there are various aids to help busy mothers (like disposable nappies), the decline of old-fashioned family life means that there is often no doting granny or aunt to help look after baby, and the stress for mothers can seem overwhelming. Many new mothers feel tired and sometimes depressed as a result, just when everyone is expecting them to be bouncing around with enthusiasm. Actual physical help and a lot of sympathy and love are the Muslim husband's duty. Also, men have to realise that the experience of childbirth is so total for a woman that her feelings for him may be pushed into the background, and although it is foolish for a man to feel jealous of his own child, this often happens. A Muslim woman tries to ensure that her husband is not neglected, and that he shares her love for the baby. It is very important that the husband picks up and loves the child, helps to nurse it when sick, and generally relates to it. A wife should not be expected to recommence intercourse with her husband for at least six weeks, and even then, if they are both too tired, it is important to reestablish a loving and private relationship that is consoling and tender. FOOT MASSAGE. This is sheer delight for some people, and torture for others. It can also be highly beneficial to the health - get a book on massage or reflexology, or go on a course. FRIGIDITY. Women appear frigid when they do not wish to make love to their husbands. This is not normally because they are frigid, but because they are unhappy about their spouse for some reason. It could be because the husband always waits until the wife is too tired, or fast asleep; or because he is not very clean, or his breath smells, or he does not bother to prepare his wife for lovemaking, or because sex has become painful to the wife, or something of a chore. It is the duty of a Muslim husband to be alert to the needs of his wife, and act with sensitivity. (Remember, when your wife won't speak to you, she is trying to tell you something!) If men could talk to their wives, and listen to what they say, so much female frigidity could probably be defeated once and for all! See Chapter 10, and Chishti, The Traditional Healer, 285-93. GENEROSITY. The Holy Quran warns frequently against niggardliness. Good Muslims `prefer others over themselves, though theirs be the greater need.' (59:9) Remember your spouse regularly, and offer gifts and surprises. A Muslim wife will always be on the lookout for little ways to treat her husband - husbands should try to return the compliment. Some men will go to any lengths to impress wealthy male friends, and yet cannot bring themselves to buy their wives a box of sweets! `Whatever you spend for the pleasure of Allah, you will be rewarded for it. You will be rewarded even for that morsel which you put in the mouth of your wife.' (Bukhari and Muslim) `The dinar you have spent in the way of Allah (is the one used) to liberate a slave, to help the poor, or on your wife and children; while the one that fetches the highest reward is the one you spend on your wife and children.' (Muslim) `Give the worker his wage before his sweat dries!' (Muslim) G-SPOT. See page 100. HEAD MASSAGE. Another delightful way of expressing your love and care. HOMOSEXUALITY. This is not allowed in any revealed religion. We should recognise, however, that a few people do have a mental inclination towards the same sex, and the evidence is growing that this is often due to a defect in the chromosomes. Every human being is a mixture of male and female traits, and sometimes a person is born with an inner balance unsuited to his or her physical characteristics. Nowadays, when the distinction between male and female character is being increasingly blurred in the population at large, homosexuality is becoming more socially acceptable to the secular mind. This is no justification, of course, for committing what is the most unnatural of all human acts; but Muslims have to recognise that a person struggling for self control deserves approval. The increasing recognition of this tendency as a genetic rather than a purely moral problem holds out hope of medical treatment, as technology advances; and the day may not be far off when all human beings can benefit from the delights and responsibilities of parenthood. `What - of all creatures do you come unto the males and leave the spouses which your Lord created for you? Assuredly, you are a people who transgress the limits.' (Quran, 26:165-6) `Do you approach men in lust rather than women? You are a people that are ignorant.' (Quran, 27:54-5) HOUSEWIFE. Never say that a woman is `only' a housewife. This infuriates every woman. It is a massive, demanding job, sometimes without a break for sixteen hours a day, and there is no retirement age. It requires intelligence, forethought, compassion and skill, and should never be thought of as inferior to so called `real' jobs outside the home. In fact, it is usually more difficult. If a man is lucky enough to have a housewife, he should appreciate her as one of life's greatest treasures. The sunna of the Blessed Prophet was to help his wives cheerfully: he helped with the less pleasant `chores', and lived in appreciation and respect for his wives. (See pages 22 and 56.) IMPOTENCE. For the penis to become erect the blood-vessels inside it must be relaxed to allow blood to flow in. If they cannot relax, either because of tension or disease, erection cannot occur. Nearly all men experience this at some time or other, and if is recognised as a particular problem in stressful modern societies. It may be that a man is too tired, or anxious, or his mind is full of something, or he may simply be ill. It is the duty of a Muslim wife to be very patient, and not act in a way that would upset the husband or make him feel like a failure, since that would make the problem far worse. Wives should not stress their husbands by making demands of them at these times, but should show that they still appreciate and respect them, perhaps by some tenderness that does not lead to full intercourse. In most cases, the husband will soon pick up again. A good Muslim wife has the duty to ensure that her husband's diet is adequate and that he is generally in good health. She will also encourage him to take regular exercise. For some Islamic herbal remedies see Chishti, The Traditional Healer, 276-8. Husbands with recurrent difficulties of this sort should pluck up the courage to see a doctor, as the cause is often a disease of the arteries, and there are new `conventional' treatments available such as Prostaglandin E 1 which are frequently very effective. I.U.D. (Inter-uterine device, or `coil'). This is a plastic loop inserted into the uterus by a doctor, and left in place for long periods of time. It can sometimes be expelled or be painful, and it needs renewing every two years. Not usually recommended until after bearing the first child, and not recommended in Islam because it allows conception to take place but then prevents the embryo from embedding itself in the wall of the uterus. JANABA. The state between sexual emission or penetration, and ghusl. It is permissible to sleep, eat, and do most things in this condition, but not to touch the Quran, or to mention sacred words and phrases more than is absolutely necessary. KISSING. A few cultures do not seem to include kissing in their sexual repertoire, but most people find it a vital part of lovemaking, especially in the preliminary stages. The Blessed Prophet once rebuked a man who claimed he had never kissed his children; and the case of a man who never kisses his wife will presumably be similar. There are many different kinds of kissing, and they all require a clean mouth and teeth, and fresh breath (remember your Miswak.). Muslims should not inflict kisses on their spouses which are distasteful to them, and both should realise that there are skills to be learned. The kind of behaviour seen in films may be distasteful to them, and sexual kissing and petting (as opposed to the kiss of the relative as part of a greeting) should not be done in public. LOOSE TALK. Never speak about your intimate life to another person, unless you are seeking medical help. Loose chatter about intimate things is extremely damaging, and you will never know to whom these secrets will be passed on, or when they will return again to embarrass you. `On the Day of Judgment the lowest person in the sight of God will be the man who is intimate with his wife and then broadcast her secrets.' (Hadith in Muslim) `A man should never discuss sexual matters with any of his wife's relatives.' (Imam al-Nawawi, Sharh al-Arba'in) MALE EGO. A husband should recall that he is not making love to his own ego, but to his wife. He has an unconscious need to impress himself, but he will be more impressive if he listens to his wife, and works with her as a team. MAKING UP. Ending a row can be the sweetest moment in a marriage. `If a woman, on her husband's being displeased, says to him that she will not sleep unless he is pacified and her hand is in his, she is deserving of Paradise.' (Hadith in Tabarani) MASOCHISM. There are many women and men, especially, it seems, in Anglo-Saxon and Protestant cultures, who cannot achieve orgasm without the fantasy of beating or being beaten. (See `The Role of Muslim Women in Society', Afzalur Rahman, Seerah Foundation, 1986, pp.416ff, quoting Dr Norman Haire in the Encyclopedia of Sexual Knowledge, p.315.) Where this is only `token' in nature, rather than a real desire to be tortured and abused (something which requires spiritual and medical attention), it can on rare occasions enhance a marriage, when the partner is kind and considerate as regards the fantasies of the other. MASSAGE (tadlik). This is a wonderful part of marriage, very important in the traditional Islamic world, and all couples should buy a book or go on a course to learn it. Obviously it should be a two way act of love. It is not right for the husband to accept his wife's labours on his behalf, and not be willing to return the compliment. See `Head massage', `Foot massage', and `Treading.' MASTURBATION (istimna'). Although the Prophet (s) advised fasting to develop will-power and weaken the sex drive of unmarried people, this is a common (albeit very private) practice among young people who have not yet married. It seems to be particularly common in societies where marriage is left late. Most Muslim scholars permit it in the absence of a legitimate partner to satisfy one's desires. For instance, Imam Ibn Hanbal and Ibn Hazm allow it for those who fear that without a sexual outlet they might otherwise commit adultery or fornication, such as those financially unable to marry, prisoners, travelers, and others (both men and women) without access to a legitimate partner. Masturbation should not be necessary once a person is married, but in some cases it persists. On occasion, where birth control is not available, men can get into the habit of some form of masturbation instead of intercourse, so that their wives do not get pregnant. Many men do not realise that if they choose deliberately to come to climax outside the wife's vagina, then this is really a form of masturbation. The Prophet (s) recommended that this be done only with the wife s permission, because it will leave the wife open to possible temptation to zina if her husband is not satisfying her. And some women get so little satisfaction from their husbands that they secretly carry out these rather sad practices rather than tell them and hurt their feelings or risk rejection. MEN UNUSED TO WOMEN. If a man has not had to live with sisters, he will often be quite taken aback by female `trappings', such as tights hanging up in the bathroom, or girl's underwear on the radiators. The most important woman in his life has been his mother, and he may expect his wife to have the same habits and views, opinions on going out to work, looking after husbands, and so on - in which case living with a modern young woman may come as a shock! Worse, if his mother spoiled him, he may be completely untrained, and may even have treated his mother rather like a servant, and now expects his new wife to endlessly run round after him picking things up. A good Muslim man takes on marriage as a new form of living, and should be willing to be sympathetic, to be helpful, and to adjust to the new situation. A Muslim wife recognises that in some ways men nowadays always remain boys, but it is her duty to make him take responsibility for himself and his children - she is not his slave! `Make things easy for people, and do not make them hard; cheer people up and do not rebuff them.' (Hadith from Muslim.) MENSTRUATION. See `Periods'. MODESTY (haya'). Most Muslim women are extremely modest -the Prophet (s) said that `modesty brings nothing but good' - and so do not like to be looked at when nude. Have respect for your wife's feelings, and allow her to retain some clothing or put out the lights if she feels happier that way. Otherwise, she may be very inhibited and unhappy. Similarly, some Muslim men prefer to retain some clothing when in the bedroom. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with this. Others enjoy complete nudity, which is acceptable also. The scholars hold that is permissible to look at the private parts of one's spouse. (See page 88 above for more details.) `When anyone from among you wishes to have sexual intercourse with his wife, he should pull a cover over him, and they should not be naked like two donkeys.' (A weak hadith in Ibn Maja) NAGGING. The idea is to wear down the partner by continually going on about something. It rarely works, is never attractive in either partner, and can push a marriage onto the rocks because of one partner's tireless campaign to change the character of the other rather than loving them for what they are. The Prophet (s) disliked nags and gossips, and those with caustic tongues - no matter how religious they were. A man said: `O Messenger of Allah, such-and-such a woman has a reputation for praying to an enormous extent, fasting and giving charity, but she harms her neighbours with her tongue.' He replied: `She is of the people of Hell.' Then the man mentioned another woman who didn't fast or pray much, but who `gives a piece of curd as sadaqa, and does not harm her neighbours with her tongue.' He replied, `She is of the people of Paradise.' (Ibn Hanbal) And remember that your spouse is your nearest 'neighbour'! MOTHER. Men need to remember that a wife is not a mother. A young woman just starting out is not likely to have all the social skills of the older woman. A good Muslim mother will have sat the bride down and given her a few clues and tips as to things that will please her husband - but it is not her place to `push in' or become interfering and a cause of stress or rivalry. The Muslim man, while honouring his mother, should not make his wife resent her, but should help her to acquire the skills so that she will in her turn learn the art of motherhood herself. `O Messenger of God, to whom should I be loyal and good? 'Your mother.' `And then whom? 'Your mother.' `And then whom? 'Your mother.' `And then whom? 'Your father.' (Tirmidhi) OVULATION. >From the onset of puberty (usually when a girl is about 12 or 13) the female releases one `ovum' (buwayda, egg-cell) every month, and this continues until she is between 45 and 50 years of age (the 'menopause'). If the ovum is not fertilised by male sperm, the ovum and the lining of the uterus come away as blood (a 'period'). Most women ovulate every 28 days, but some have cycles as short as 21 days. See `Periods'. PERIODS (hayd). New husbands often haven't got a clue about these. The matter should be explained to them, or they may get worried and upset, and not know how to sympathise with the wife's symptoms. Husbands need to know that the wife may bleed from 3 to 7 days in a period of time roughly corresponding to the lunar month, and that she may well be extra tired and weepy at these times. Women frequently suffer from PMT (pre-menstrual tension) for anything up to a week before their period starts. If they do, they are likely to be bad-tempered, depressed, illogical, and suffer from psychological disorders, and some are even at extra risk from things as serious as driving accidents, or moral disorders such as temptation to theft, etc. Sympathy is the best thing to offer - and make sure the wife has had medical advice. It is quite normal for doctors to recommend cutting down on salt (to limit water retention and bloating). Some women also experience considerable physical pain at this time, and become sick and faint. Do not suffer in silence - go to a doctor. A woman is not `dirty' during her period time unless she does not wash; the Prophet (s) recommended keeping up close contact with a menstruating wife, so that she did not feel hurt or rejected. His advice was to make sure she was well-covered between the navel and the knees, and to caress and enjoy her without penetration. A man questioned Allah's Messenger (s), saying: `What is permitted to me of my wife when she is menstruating?' He said: `Let her wrap her waist-wrapper round herself tightly, and then what is above that is for you.' (Malik, Muwatta') On one occasion A'isha was sleeping with him in one garment, when suddenly she jumped up and left his side. The Messenger (s) said to her: `What is the matter? Are you losing blood?' She said, `Yes.' He said, `Wrap your waist-wrapper tightly about you, and come back to your sleeping-place.' (Malik, Muwatta') POLYGAMY (ta'addud al-zawjat). Islam did not institute plural marriages, but acknowledged that they are sometimes of value, restricting the maximum number of wives to four: `Marry women that seem good to you, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (between them), then only one.' (Quran, 4:3) Polygamy can be a useful and caring way of resolving serious difficulties. It can be a solution, for instance, when a wife is suffering from a disease such as paralysis which prevents the husband fulfilling his needs, and consumes his time with caring for her. It can help in situations where she is of unsound mind, or has a bad character that cannot be reformed. And in social circumstances where women greatly outnumber men, as after a war, it can save thousands of women from being left `on the shelf' - half a husband being preferable to none at all. A few, however, believe that Allah has in fact forbidden plural marriages, on the grounds that it is impossible for a man to deal justly between co-wives. `You will not be able to deal equally between wives, however much you may wish to.' (Quran, 4:129.) Nonetheless, the fact that polygamy was part of the Prophet's sunna makes it impossible that he could have adopted this interpretation himself. But he counseled strict fairness in expenditure, allowances and timesharing: `When a man has two wives and he does not observe equality and deals unfairly with them, he will come before the Throne of Justice with only half of his body.' (Hadith in Tirmidhi and Abu Daud) The Sharia tells us that the women should receive equal financial maintenance and be accommodated in separate but equal homes. Obviously, it is not permissible for more than one woman to be in one bed at any time. A happy polygamous relationship, perhaps a menage a trois in which one woman looks after the home while the other is free to work without feeling guilty, can be a source of great strength to the women. But given human nature, the pitfalls are many and varied, and no-one should enter upon this kind of marriage unless there is a compelling moral rather than a selfish reason for it, and the full and intelligent consent of all parties has been obtained. Anything else is likely to end in disaster. POWER GAMES. No Muslim, male or female, is permitted to use or withhold sex to get their own way - either as a bribe, or for barter. `Gentleness adorns everything, and its absence leaves everything tainted.' (Muslim) `If a man invites his wife to sleep with him and she refuses to come to him, then the angels send their curses on her until morning.' (Bukhari) See `Refusing Sex' below. PRAYER (salat). It is important to a close relationship to pray together as much as possible. One purpose of the salat is to bring people closer together through spiritual and physical proximity, and this can be especially therapeutic in marriage. If also has the effect of attracting angels to the house. PREMATURE EJACULATION. See pages 91-2, 100 above. PREPARATION. Sex without foreplay, known in the West as a `quickie', may be suitable on some occasions, but is likely to make the wife frustrated and unhappy if practised a lot. See pages 85-6, 99. PRIVACY. It is fatal to have sex interrupted by phone calls or children. Take the phone off the hook (remember to replace it later!), and put a bolt on the door. REFUSING SEX. Unless there is a genuine and legitimate reason, the refusal of the partner's advances is forbidden in Islam. It is a hurtful rejection. Men and women should realise that sometimes the partner has a very strong urge, which may prevent sleep, and should be kind. The texts of Shari'a affirm that the wife, too, has the right to sex. If either partner is `not in the mood', or perhaps is in deep sleep when the other partner feels amorous, it is un-Islamic and bad manners to bluntly reject the other. Men, because of the very obvious physical nature of their arousal, often find it hard to understand a woman's needs, which do not show themselves so conspicuously; they should bear in mind that the urge can be just as overwhelming and just as frustrating if not fulfilled. REWARD FOR SEX. The Prophet (s) actually spoke of a man's unselfish sexual fulfillment of his wife's needs as a sadaqa: `In every declaration of subhan Allah there is a sadaqa; in every takbir, in every al-hamdu li'Llah, in every la ilaha illa'Llah, in every enjoining of good there is sadaqa. Forbidding that which is evil is sadaqa. And in a man's sexual intercourse with his wife there is sadaqa. ' (Muslim) For more on this see pages 83-106 above. SAFE PERIOD. Some people try to avoid pregnancy without using contraceptives by only making love during the so-called `safe-period' - usually the middle days of the menstrual cycle. This is not a reliable method, and has a failure rate of up to 30%. See page 113 above. SCENT. This is sunna, although the wife should obviously not use it carelessly outside the home! But some people find the excessive use of scent by a partner to be irritating, and this should be looked out for. SENSE OF HUMOUR. A vital ingredient in a marriage. According to a hadith, `Allah's Messenger was one of the most humorous of people.' (Bazzar, Tabarani.) Remember, it is always kinder to laugh at yourself than at someone else. Also bear in mind that it is against the sunna to make people laugh by making something up. SEX MANUALS. Vast numbers of these are now available in ordinary bookshops. Unfortunately, almost all the recent ones are illustrated, and contain assumptions and practices which are unacceptable in Islam. Anything published before about 1970 is likely to be useful, stressing many of the basic questions of hygiene and morality which Muslims share. There are dozens of excellent sex manuals in Arabic. Some of these are extremely advanced, far more so, in fact, than most nonMuslim works available in the West. Many great ulema wrote such books, including Ibn Jama'a and Ibn Kamal. Imam al-Suyuti wrote no fewer than eight books on sexual technique! Sadly, these are not yet available in English. SODOMY. See above under `Anal Intercourse'. SORENESS. The `nappy rash' type can be treated with baby's zinc and castor oil cream, or Drapolene. See also `Thrush'. SOUNDPROOFING. Children can find it very distressing to overhear sounds of their parents in bed. Adults, too, will not wish to be overheard by anyone. Try to arrange some kind of soundproofing for your room to ensure privacy - shut the windows, pull the curtains, and perhaps hang a curtain over the door. SPORT. It is a sunna to remain fit, and several types of sport are specifically recommended. They should not, of course, turn into an obsession. If the husband has to play sport every Saturday or Sunday, the wife should learn to live with this and use the time for things she can do better while he is out of the way. Husbands - remember your wife's good grace, and reward her! Husbands need to remember that wives do not always want to watch sport on TV, and have a right to see some programmes of their choice too. Wives need to know that a real football fanatic cannot possibly be shifted from the `box' when a particular match is on, and will resist all pressure or temptation. There is no point in a wife trying to prove to herself that he loves her by attempting to seduce him while he is trying to watch the World Cup; he will only get more and more irritated by her. She should not `bash her head against a brick wall', but make the husband comfortable, see to his needs, and pick up his gratitude afterwards! TEASING AND MENTAL CRUELTY. This is not permissible. Most women get very hurt by their husband's hankering after beautiful women on TV, videos, or in magazines. Husbands should learn the Islamic virtues of tact and contentment, and realise that a wife is not a model or a film-star, and may have all sorts of physical defects - but she loves you very much, and it is bad-mannered and wrong to hurt her feelings or deliberately make her jealous. Remember that film-stars and models are forever young and willing to please, whereas real human women get older, have aches and pains, get tired, and may not be overcome with enthusiasm for you. Remember that you too are not getting any younger! And remember that you should not be looking at those other women anyway ... (see Sura 24:30-31). ` TEMPTATION. Just because a person gets married, they are not suddenly made blind, or incapable of feeling a sudden urge for someone outside the marriage. It is vital that one deals promptly with the urge, so that the marriage partner is not hurt, the marriage is not weakened, and the possibility of major sin is averted. See page 63 above. A hadith tells us that the eye can commit zina. And as Imam alGhazali points out: `the zina of the eye is one of the major faults, and soon leads on to a mortal and obscene sin, which is the zina of the flesh. The man who is unable to turn away his eyes will not be able to safeguard himself against unchastity.' (Disciplining the Soul) In the Holy Quran (24:30-1) we read: `Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and preserve their chastity. That is purer for them. Assuredly, Allah is Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and preserve their chastity ... And the Prophet (s) said: `A gaze is a poisoned arrow from Satan. Whoever abstains from it in fear of Allah shall receive from Him an increase in faith, the sweetness of which he shall feel in his heart.' (Ibn Hanbal) The Prophet Yahya was once asked: `How does fornication begin?' and he replied: `With looking and wishing.' No one should ever be too confident about his or her ability to control the sex drive. AI-Fayyad ibn Najih said: `When a man's penis becomes erect, two-thirds of his reason departs.' It is for this reason that khalwa - being alone with a non-mahrarn member of the opposite sex - is not permitted. Often taqwa is the only force powerful enough to save human beings from the disaster of adultery - and it is easy to overestimate the degree of one's own piety! `A leading man of Basra once went into his garden. By chance his eye fell upon the beautiful wife of his gardener. THRUSH. A fungal infection of the female sex organs. Canesten HC cream is available from chemists, and will solve the problem very quickly. The husband should also be treated, as it is possible that he has caught if as well, and may be showing flu-like symptoms. TIMING. It is bad manners to leave your sexual activity until you have gone to bed exhausted. It is a kind of insult, and a marital timebomb. People's sleep patterns are important: if a husband comes to bed at midnight, while the wife has dropped off just after the last prayer, midnight may feel early to him and she may be groggy if she is woken from a deep sleep. Tempers are bound to be frayed in the morning. People are usually either `owls' (active at night) or `larks' (active in the early morning). If your partner is the opposite to you, you must sort out an acceptable compromise routine. Be considerate, and compliment your spouse by setting aside proper and suitable times for lovemaking, especially during Ramadan. See page 94 above. TOLERANCE (tasamuh). Remember that husband and wife, however compatible, will always be two different people. Live and let live - do not try to force somebody else to be what they are not; it never works, and only causes resentment. Accept people for what they are and love them `warts and all'. Be tolerant, forgiving, and understanding, as far as you are able. `O you who believe! Some of your spouses and children can be your foes, so be careful with them. Yet if you pardon and forgive them, Allah will likewise be forgiving and merciful.' (64:14) `Seek reconciliation with those who avoid you, give to those who withhold from you, and forgive those who deal with you unjustly.' (Hadith in Khara'iti) `I was sent only to perfect the noble qualities of character.' (Hadith in Malik, Muwatta') `You will not be able to suffice all people with your wealth; suffice them therefore with a cheerful face and goodness of character.' (Hadith in Hakim, Mustadrak) `Whichever man is patient with the bad character of his wife shall be given a reward like unto that which Job shall receive; and whichever woman is patient with the bad character of her husband shall be given a reward like that of Asiya the (believing) wife of Pharoah.' (Al-Ghazali) TREADING. A form of massage very common in the Subcontinent, where one partner lies face down and the other `walks' up and down on them. It is very pleasurable and beneficial, but be careful - the skill has to be learnt. One can usually tread successfully on shoulders, the lower back, buttocks and thighs. Get someone to teach you, or, failing that, buy a massage book. The person doing the treading usually rests on a table, or has a pole (such as a broom handle) to balance with. UNISEX. The Blessed Prophet had a great respect for natural distinctions. He did not like men who try to resemble women, and women who try to resemble men'. (Bukhari.) Be proud of your gender, and ask yourself whether you have the virtues specific to your sex, as exemplified in the lives of the great male and female Companions. There is nothing more pathetic than the sight of `soft' modern males, who often infuriate their wives through their lack of decisiveness and leadership. Similarly, the decline of femininity has deprived many societies of the most indispensable reservoir of gentleness and beauty. Keep the poles magnetised if you want real attraction to continue between you! WASHING. Allah has ordained that ghusl should be carried out (a) after sexual intercourse (meaning penetration of the penis beyond its head), or whenever an orgasm has occurred (in men and women); (b) after menstruation; (c) after post childbirth bleeding. (Suras 2:222; 4:43; 5:7.) This involves making a niyya, washing off impurities, cleaning the private parts, and then pouring pure water over the entire body and rubbing it at least once. As regards ladies' hair, three handfuls thrown on the head are sufficient; it is not necessary for the plaits to be undone. Warm water can be used; it is preferred to offer two rak'as upon completion. The recorded sunna is that if a man wishes. to have sex a second time before he has carried out his ghusl, he should wash his genitals first. If he had a wet dream, or urinated, he should likewise wash them before having intercourse. There are, however, some traditions from A'isha that suggest that the Prophet (s) sometimes slept in the state of janaba without having touched any water. WEDDINGS. It is sunna to hold a feast (walima) for a wedding. This is part of the duty to make the marriage public. The Prophet (s) said: `Publicise this marriage; celebrate it in the mosques; sound the tambourines to mark it!' (Tirmidhi.) Al-Rubayyi bint Muawwidh narrated: `The Messenger of God (s) visited me the morning after my marriage was consummated. He sat on my bedding while some servant girls of ours began to play tambourine and sang eulogies of my ancestors who had died at the battle of Badr. Then one of them said: "And among us is a Prophet who knows what tomorrow brings." But he said to her: "Stop that, but say what you were saying before".' (Bukhari) . Amir ibn Sa'd said: `Going in and finding Qaraza ibn Ka'b and Abu Mas'ud al-Ansari at a wedding where girls were singing, I said: "Is this being done in the presence of you two who are companions of God's Messenger, and were present at Badr?" They replied: "Sit down if you wish and listen along with us; or go away if you wish, for we have been given permission for amusement at a wedding."' (Nasa'i) The actual form of weddings depends a lot on cultural backgrounds, which nowadays are often very un-Islamic in insisting on extravagance and show. The good Muslim practice is always against ostentation or waste in any form, and true Muslim weddings are happy but simple affairs. It often happens that young people have to defer marriage because they cannot afford the parties, and sometimes people demand an enormous mahr for the bride. Both practices undermine society and are un-Islamic. It is obviously important for a bride to receive a generous mahr, as an insurance policy in case of divorce and to ensure her financial independence. But this is a concession to human frailty. Hadiths recorded by Abu Daud and Tirmidhi show that the Prophet (s) forbade the giving of excessive dowries. WET DREAMS (ihtilam). These usually happen when people are sexually frustrated, and are a mechanism whereby the body seeks to discharge excess sexual energy or sperm. They can happen to either sex. Both A'isha and Umm Salama asked the Prophet (s) about this subject, and were told it was natural. Ghusl is of course required afterwards. WHITE LIES. The Blessed Prophet was realistic. He allowed telling untruths in two circumstances: `falsehood spoken by a man to his wife in order to reconcile her, and falsehood spoken to set things right between people.'.